Tuesday, December 27, 2011

2011 Year End Entry #2: 2012 Goals

This is becoming a tradition of mine at this point. Here are my goals for 2012. (Shorter than usual)
  • Mend the fences with my family.
  • Get a new job. (Sorry F9ers, I will be leaving when I get the oppurtunity)
  • Plan to do something, small or big, every month with the family (in some varation.)
  • Take a least one or two day trips somewhere. (Till I leave F9)
  • Save money for big vacation in 2013.
  • Goto at least two concerts.

2011 Year End Entry #1: 2011 Goals (Review)

Last December I made a list of my goals for 2011. So before I make a list for 2012, let me review how I did for the past 12 months.
  • Keep a phone for the whole year.
This isn't fair now. My upgrade happened this year and I got my IPhone. Best purchase ever.
  • Reunite or keep better touch with at least five old friends
Was I thinking realisitcly when I wrote this? Five people? I guess I might have pulled this off. I honestly don't know. Real friends never truly go away so I'm not sure to be honest.
  • Travel to at least two states
I'm going to cheat a little on this one. Me and Mandy went to Vegas in Feburary and we went with Mike and Claire to Glee in Chicago in June. That counts for me.
  • Make five new videos
I can see what I was thinking with this one. In 12 months I should have been able to make five videos. But to be honest, it's not as simple as it seems. There's alot of work that goes into these things. In reality, I got three done all year. I MIGHT hit the five mark if I churn out the videos I want to this week before the ball drops, but with Cristian home, I don't think that's very likely.
  • Finally finish my portfolio
This was a massive success. Not only did I FINISH my portfolio, I presented it and finally finished school. This was a major moment for me.
  • Be better with money
I'm still pretty bad with money. I really have to work on this.
  • Fully organize our and CJ's rooms
Again back to the realisticness of this list. Are our rooms EVER going to be FULLY organized. No. Never. It's just how it is. No matter how hard I try, it never will happen.
  • Find more ways to help with my memory issues
I'm gettting better in this area. Having my new phone helps big time.
  • Take better care of my health
I did a good job for a while with this. I was down below 300. Then I got depressed with all the stuff from work and yeah stopped caring a little. I'm really disappointed in that.
  • Cause less problems with people that I can control
I think I did this. I still screwed up along the way but not NEARLY as bad as I have in the past.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Sears Portrait Professional Photos








Attitude Adjustment

I have to admit I hate change. Any kind of change throws me of. Over the last month that's all I've been dealing with. Just when things were finally going amazing well, then came the furlough.

Most people know what's going on, so I won't go into that, but we went from 101 people on a full time alone,to 98 people total in Janurary (F & P). With all that going on, I had to make a decision. Either leave, go nights, or go part time days. Leaving was a huge possiblity but honestly that wasn't going to happen. So the decision was made, mainly because I wanted to make sure that I had time with CJ, going part time days would be the best decision. With that, I took a part time line, now I filed for partial unemployment. So things are good right?

Well yes and no. With that decision, and other decisions made by other people, alot of the co workers that I'm close with either leave via the furlough, servence, retired or are working a shift where I'm never going to see them. So with all that I got into a massive depressive state. That depressive state hit hard after the furlough party at Landmark last Saturday and culminated in the "you rock" on Saturday. To be honest for a second, it's taking me alot longer than I expected to adjust to my new early morning schedule. (even though I do LOVE being home on the weekends completely)

With all things considered I should be happy and in a good mood. More free time, able to get stuff done. Life should be good. Then why am I so out of it?

Why am I eating so much and actually gaining the weight back that I spent all summer burning off?
Why is everything getting to me? Every little thing everyone does is bothering me.
Things don't make any sense to me.

I need to take this long weekend (I'm still working tomorrow and Friday morning, but overall I get four days with the family) and enjoy the nice weather and get my head on straight. There is no need for me to explode for no reason. There is no reason for me to act the way I'm acting.

I need get back in the gym on Tuesday morning. No more excuses.

I need to just relax. Be productive but also realx. Enjoy this turn of events instead of dwelling on everything bad that has happened over the last month.

*deep breath*

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Changes on the Ship

I'll be honest it's been a while since I updated this thing. There HAS been alot to talk about. Problem as always is lack of time. When I can't blog at work anymore and we're always so busy at home, updating has been put on the backburner, for obvious reasons. That being said, with my part time work schedule and more free time, I will try my best to actually keep up with this thing.

It's the beginning of a weird week at work. I'm not going to go down the sentimental route, at least not in this entry. I'll save that for another time. But it's funny, people wonder why alot of us are taking this so hard. I've heard "at least you still have a job", "it's just a job".

Well back in 2005 when I took this job, with Skyway/Midwest at the time, I just looked at it as a place for me to work to get through school. That's what it did too.

Since that time, I've gotten married, had a kid, got a associates degree, made some of the best friends in the world and made a home for myself.

Back in 08, just after CJ was born there was a furlough. Due to the fact that CJ was just born I was in my own world. Things didn't really hit me hard, my head wasn't even in work mode for most of that time. It was almost like filler time between time with my family.

Now in 2011, it's different. This is a drastic change. People are leaving, almost like jumping off a sinking ship, retiring, moving to nights. All the people who I got close with, I won't see nearly as much as I'm used to. It's been rough.

In all honesty though, I'm looking forward to my personal change.

After much thought, back and forth, I decided to stay on the ship, go part time, stay on days and hope for the best. I'm looking forward to being a shorter schedule going into the winter months. Being able to have the rest of the day to goto the gym, keep up with the cleaning around the house and actually having the weekends to spend with my family.

The truth is, I was seriously thinking of jumping ship. But right now I still love going to work. I still like what I do. Do I have less to do then ever before? Yes. Are things ever going to be the same as they were even a year ago? No. But with every negative comes a positive, and that's how I have to look at it.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

A Cure to Imperfection and Self-Destruction

Every so often I sit back and look at my life. The thing with doing that is that on the outside things look so perfect. Facades are great for show, they are also good for hiding.

After almost six years of marriage, I've come to a couple of conclusions:
  • It's never as easy as you think.
  • Some people don't understand that Mandy comes first, even after they get married themselves.
  • I have no idea why I can't just be happy.
The last one is the killer. You would think after an almost six year marriage/seven year relationship, and all the ups and downs we've been through, I would be happy where I am.

Yet for some reason, I always seem to fall apart at the seems. Just when things get great, it seems to always fall apart.

For years I've written in this blog and others like I could do wrong. I don't make mistakes. I don't screw up. Everything that happens is never my fault. It's always explained by sarcasm or blaming others.

As I look back those excuses were find for what they were there for. But at the same time they were the tape I was using to piece everything together. The issue with tape is that it comes loose over times and then just falls off leaving the same hole that was there to begin with, except overtime it actually gets bigger under the tape. Eventually, as I've learned over time, you run out of tape. It ends up becoming useless and just doesn't stick anymore. That's where I stand right now, with an empty tape dispenser, trying to patch up a hole that I should have patched up two years ago.

It's funny because I hide my own internal issues and almost preach to people who ask me for advice. I do this because I don't want to sit and dig deep into myself and figure out what's wrong with me.

The term I'd best describe it would be "self-destruction". It's like no matter what happens, I have a little button in my pocket that makes it all blow up. Whether it be my marriage, my friends or my family. It's like I can't live with a constant flow of happiness.

At times I think it's a lingering effect from the "Crew Era" where constant drama ruled and for me, and most of us, there were more meaningless battles than anything else. I was always in the center of it all. I was the unofficial leader and always seemed to be someone who enjoyed the fire even though I complained about it. That's fine when I was a teenager or in my early 20s but that was close to ten years ago.

After watching alot of Scrubs (my early morning obsession lately), I would like to call this issue "Dr. Cox syndrome". I can never seem to accept being happy. Never can face that facts that the life I think needs changing is the life worth living.

So this morning I am officially throwing out the proverbial empty tape dispenser and picking up a glue gun. This isn't Elmer's glue I am referring to either. This is strong super glue. The kind that you find in hardware stores that says to keep away from your skin when using because it won't come off. The kid that instantly take hold. The hardest kind to find and use.

Time to take down this silly facade. Time to make the world, or at least the people who care enough to spend time reading this, see the man behind the curtain. The man behind the smiles and the constant positive outlooks on life.

"I'm not a perfect person. There are many things I wish I didn't do."-Hoobastank

I have made alot of mistakes over my life. But the facts are there, I can't change what I have done or said to people. I can't fully even fully mend my wife's heart without realizing the consequences of my actions. While I can't change my past and I can't fix all the pain I've caused my loved ones, especially Mandy. I can't give her back the self confidence that she lost with every girl I've talked to and everything she's seen. But I can spend the rest of my life building her back up and swear to not be the one to knock her back down. I can't change people's immediate perception of me, but I can take a chance and change my perception of myself inside me and hope it sticks.

It's about time I stop regressing to bad habits. Stop saying one thing and doing another.

I also have to stop living on my reputation. It's like in wrestling, you can't live on your past, you have to evolve your character with time. It's the same thing in real life. I can't rely on the fact that I'm known as "a nice guy" or "a hopeless romantic". I can't hide behind the man I was when that's not the man I am today. I have grown up and I have changed. It's not all black and white anymore, there's tons of grey areas. I need to be the man I am, the good guy with an attitude.

For years I write and talk and it's just that, talk.

Words mean nothing without action; without a sudden change at heart, mindset and feelings.

No one is going to take me serious until I take myself serious.

*taking a deep breath*

Here we go....

It's gonna be a long ride...

And I can't wait.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Seeking Perfection

Obviously I've been very lacking on blog posts ever since I shut down my pop culture blog in June. Honestly it's been a very busy summer. A summer that makes you think about life as well. It's been a summer of change.

(Maybe I've been watching too episodes of Scrubs lately and this entry to going to seem like something JD would say in a monolonge but just deal with it. It will have a vaild point.)

This summer has shown me alot about people and myself. Over the last few weeks I've been asked alot of questions that I didn't have immediate answers to. From my wife, my family, my friends, myself.

What kind of person am I becoming?

What happened to you?

Where did the romance go?

Why are you still working there?

Is this what life has become?

That last one is from me.

Today I was having a conversation with Mike (for those who don't know he's my best friend here in WI one of the few people I truly trust around here) and we were having a coversation about our lives. He recently (as recent as Monday) moved in with his girlfriend, me and Mandy have been dealing with alot of money issues and our new work bid came out yesterday. I came to a major realization today.

I've been doing this job for five and a half years. I've gone to and finished school. I've gotten married to the love of my life twice. I have an amazing three year old little boy. I'm actually happy. I'm in the best place of my life and all I can think about is the fact that I can't get off on Saturdays at work on this bid.

Wait a sec. What am I doin? Look at my life.

People search their whole lives for perfection in life. I don't believe that it's possible. Well I didn't. Until now.

Perfection is in the eye of the beholder. Is my life perfect? Maybe it is.

What problems do I really have?

Money. Well that's money. Everyone has money issues. That's part of life. If you don't have money problems in the middle class, you aren't living your life.

Friends. I've come to realize that my friends seem to fall into certain catergories. I just wish I knew who else fits in the "I've having a bad day I need a cheer up" catergory. That was seems to be lacking. But otherwise, I have great friends.

I heard that the future is what you make of it. That's so true. But a better quote is from Rock of Ages "
"Sometimes the dreams you come in with, may not be the dreams you leave with."
 
The dreams I had when I was out of high school are NOTHING compared to what my life is now. Maybe this where I'm meant to be.
 
What wrong with this life?
 
What wrong with this person that I've become?  Is there really anything wrong with it?
 
This is my life. And it's a damn good life.
 
It just took a long time to figure it all out.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Blah....

There are days where I sit and am trying to figure out why I'm not happy. I'm not sure.

I've accomplished just about everything I wanted to do before turning 30.

Finished school, got married, have a family, have amazing friends. Even started traveling. (Trust me I have a list of cities I want to visit, that's a list for another blog.) I have a family in two states that care about me. I have a good social life. I have a job that I actually like going to everyday despite the weather and whatnot, for now 5 and a half years.

Then what is wrong with me? I honestly don't know.

I don't even know why I'm typing this. I don't even know why anyone would care about what I'm saying.

What is wrong with me? Why can't I get out of this funk? Life is good when I goto bed most nights wondering why I don't feel like a good person. I don't know what it is.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Life Check In

It's been a while since I wrote in here. Over a month to be exact.

I've been actually asked why do I even have this blog? I rarely update it and actually spent most of my time the last four months updating my pop culture blog. (of which btw I will only be posting in two more times before I close it)

Well the facts are I just haven't had any ambition to sit and write.

Life has been up and down and so busy that it's hard to sit and write about it.

Over the last month I've gone through alot in my head. Looking at my life, looking at the person I had become, the person I was becoming. I needed some time to take a step back and look around and analysis some stuff.

It's hard to believe it's June already. The Stanley Cup Finals are going on already.

It feels like only yesterday I was looking forward to going to Vegas and the only concerts on the horizon was Rodney Atkins and Imagination Movers. Me and Mandy were about to renew our lives together and CJ was starting the year at Ebenezer.

One other thing I've noticed about this year so far is the same thing I say every year. You never end the year with the same relationships and friendships that you started with and for those who are always there no matter what, those are the lucky few.

It's taken alot this year, and this not just me, but to weed through those who hurt you, those who just want to get drunk, those who don't want to just hang out once and a while and just talk, is the best thing to do.

Now looking at the rest of the year, the calendar at the moment is pretty wide open. CJ is starting at his new school tomorrow, the next big things to look forward to are Cassie and Chris's wedding and state fair.

There's alot of time between now and end of the year to have more adventures like the first half of year.

But if I don't update as much, just realize it's not because I don't want to, it's because I don't have the time to because life is too busy to have time and type.

Oh...a couple of quick things.

#1, to Jersey people. There's a very good chance that I won't be making an appearance out east till 2012, so I extend an invitation to my best friends out there to come visit us. I do this every year but no one bites. (okay only one person ever has since me and Mandy got married) Let's see if anyone does this year.

#2, the curse of phones continues with me. The charging mechinism on my phone broke on Sunday night so if you are looking to get in touch with me I'm living through my IPod Touch till my temporary replacement comes in. So the easiest way to get in touch with me is going to be on facebook and through email, or gchat if you have it.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Picture(s) of the Week (4/24-4/30)

Sunday April 24, 2011
Happy Easter Family
 
Monday April 25, 2011
Double Overtime Survivors


Sunday, April 24, 2011

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Catching Up for My Birthday

It's April 19th. Yes that means tomorrow in my birthday. My 29th birthday to be exact. Since tomorrow I'm taking a complete day off from everything, work, my blogs and might even take a day off from being on my phone all day, I wanted to post today.

It's funny, I was asked the other day why I don't post in the blog that much, while my pop culture blog gets posted in just about everyday. Well there are two reasons for that. #1, my pop culture blog is surprising popular. I get alot of hits everyday on the topics I'm writing about so I try my best to keep with it, whether it be early in the morning before work, after work, during naps like today or anytime I have a chance when I'm by myself. #2, I've actually been trying to collect my thoughts on life. I talk to the people who matter to me and that's about it. It's like I felt with my livejournal, I stopped being personal with stuff.

Right now life is well life. Been busy with trying to be a good husband, the best father I can be and the best friend possible. Somedays I'm better at one than another. There are days where it all becomes too much for me to handle and I shutdown and just want to be alone.

This past year (4/20/10-4/19/11) has taught me alot of things about myself.

I have a different attitude at work than I ever had before, the don't let the stupid shit bother me attitude, do my job, chill with my friends and then come home to my family. It seems to give me a new lease on life there. It's refreshing. Work isn't a total drag anymore. Is it fun like it once was? No. But I'm trying to make it work so I can survive another year.

I'm learning day by day how to be a good father. With CJ's behavior problems and just the terrible twos, it's difficult not to scream and yell at him all the time everyday. I try not too. I don't mind being the bad cop and I still want him to respect me as his dad, but the same time I still want him to want to spend time with me, especially since I'm with him alot.

Mandy and I are where we needed to be a year ago. Are things perfect? No. But isn't that part of the challenge of any marraige? That's a challenge I can deal with.

I've also been in school this semester trying to finish up my degree with the portfolio class I failed. I'm so close to being done. It's right around the corner. I can smell it, taste it and I just want to be there and present so I can be done with school. The project has taken up alot of my brain power over the last two months, which is NOT a bad thing, it's just nice this week not to have to stress about it.

Other than all that, I'm just keeping busy. You can see that on fb. Life is not dull and never will be. Nor do I ever want it to be. How I see it, if life ever gets boring or dull, I must be dead. Boring is not in my vocabulary and never will be.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Picture of the Week (3/27-4/2)

Friday April 1, 2011
Fun hockey guys night despite the cowbell guy

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Monday, March 14, 2011

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Monday, February 21, 2011

Insomnia rears it's ugly head...

I'm yawning like I'm tired when my brain is keeping me awake. I'm not sure why or really what's wrong with me. I've had another busy day with Cristian. I was dealing with him, fighting him and just fighting myself to stay calm.

It couldn't have been the 20 minute cat nap I took in the living room when I passed out on the floor that is fucking me up. I'm not a nap person but that's just ridiculous.

Then what is it?

Since getting back from Vegas I've been thinking about my life over the last five years with Mandy at my side. It hasn't been easy. It hasn't been pleasant. At times it's been freighting and scary. But now I can look back and think about my life.

It's crazy, how did my like get so lucky? Why do I feel like I'm not allowed to enjoy it? Am I allowed? I've been such a jerk to people for so many years, that the ones who have stuck with me, I wonder about their sanity.

The other night I was having a conversation with an old friend, an old girlfriend, and we had a talk about who we are and how we got here. Me and her agreed with one thing, we don't like ourselves.

There I said it. I don't like myself. I don't like my attitude. I don't think I'm a good enough friend. I don't think I'm the nice guy everyone thinks I am. I don't like how I look. I don't like anything.

I've always been so positive about things, about life and about everything. Yet in the happiest time of my life, I can't find happiness in myself.

I'm going to turn 29 in less than two months. Why do I feel like this? It makes no sense to me at all.

Maybe I should try to crash again. Maybe I should get some rest.

Maybe alot of things.

I don't know anymore......

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Late Night Ramble Session

It's almost 4am on a Sunday morning, what I am doing up?

Well CJ woke me and Mandy up at 2:30, I got him back to bed about 20 minutes ago but now I'm awake since me and Mandy went to bed kinda early last night. Plus I also had a reason to start laundry mega early. Have ALOT of that to do by 5pm today.

In my old blog I used to randomly jump on at hours like this and ramble, whatever was on my mind. Sometimes it would get me in trouble, but everytime it felt good to get stuff off my chest and out of my system. I realized I hadn't done that in this blog for whatever. Maybe it's the fact that I am usually sleeping, or when I am up I'm working on my other blog. Whatever the reason, this blog has so far gone ramble free.

This morning though I sit here and think about everything going on with me and my life. From being married to a beautiful intelligent lady, whom we have a crazy over-the-top just like his daddy son, to living with an amazing family, to having the best friends a guy could ask for, liking going to work everyday, to the fact that I am never truly bored. At least turn I always seem to have something going on.

The one thing I never do is truly sit back and  take it all in. Maybe it's because I rarely have the time to. Maybe it's the fact that somewhere in the back of my head, I'm waiting for it to all fall apart. It's a terrible attitude to have, but when you are so used to failure like I am, that thought it always there. There are moments I really just want to lay and look around at all I've got and realize that I am living a great life.

I don't want to be one of those people that watch their kids grow up and not enjoy every second of it because he's so worried about every little detail. I don't want to be one of those people who doesn't realize how great life truly is until he gets older and looks back and says "I had a great life!" I want to be one of those people who enjoy life NOW not later.

Where am I going with this? I'm not even sure. I just know after typing this, I'm getting tired. Maybe that was the point of writing this, to get tired.

Back to bed I go,
Go Pack Go!

Picture of the Week (1/30-2/5)

Wednesday February 2, 2011
Blizzard Survivors

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

2/2/11:Blizzard Video 6:51am

This is my attempt to open the front screen door, the wind had other ideas.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Picture of the Week (1/23-1/29)

Friday, January 28, 2011
"Rodney Atkins just handed me a pick during a love song!"

Friday, January 28, 2011

Not jumping on the bandwagon...been here the whole time

It's almost Super Bowl week and the excitement is in the air around here. Bears fans are stick licking their wounds and Packers fans are ready and waiting for their boys to face the Steelers in Dallas.

That brings me to something I want to bring up. This might surprise people, but despite my lifetime fandom of the New York Giants, the Packers have ALWAYS been my #2 team. ALWAYS. Back in the early 90s when they sucked, all the way through the Farve Super Bowls to now with the man Rodgers. I HAVE followed this team since I became a football fan.

I wanted to make this very clear because lately people have been wondering WHY I have been and am rooting for the Packers, even though they are the team that knocked the Giants out this year. I have NO problem with the Packers, none whatsoever. They have scratched and clawed and earned the right to be where they are right now, not just this year but over the last three years.

Moving here has made it easier for me to embrance my Packer fandom, while I have still yet to buy anything Packers, or even wear a Packers hat.

But I wanted to make sure people knew, that is no way am I a bandwagon Packers fan, and I didn't become a fan because I moved to WI in 2005. It's not how it is at all. They have been my long time #2 favorite team and I am super excited to see them advance on like they have.

So with that being said...GO PACK GO!

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Sunday, January 2, 2011

2010 Year End Special Entry #4-2010 Goals Check-in

Last week I posted my goals for 2011, well I found my goals for 2010 and I wanted to see how I did with them.

1. Be a much better husband than I was last year.
I think this one I did right. A few mistakes but at least she doesn't want to disown me anymore

2. Do something surprising for Mandy every week or two. Something unexpected.
I forgot I wrote this. Wow, I suck. I tried. I did stuff but not to the extent I thought I wanted to.

3. Spend at least one or two nights out of the house with Mandy and/or friends a month.
This was easy. And I hope to continue this in 2011. Maybe even to more of extent.

4. Expand my musical horizons like I used to years ago.
This could be seen in the fact that in the last two weeks I watched the Top 40 VH1 Countdown, Top 50 GAC Countdown and am in the middle of the Top 40 Fuse Music Video Countdown.

5. Get down to under 300lbs by the end of the year. (I'm 310 right now)
I was sooooo close before I got lazy. I was down to 302.

6. Be more attentive to everyone to help my memory.
I'm not sure what I meant by but I'm trying my best to improve this.

7. Not take work that serious, because it's not worth it.
Totally true. It also helps that work has been fun again this year. It's easier to relax at work when you are having alot of fun.

8. Just be more honest.
Well duh. Honesty has acutally been getting me in more trouble than it's worth but no one can accuse me of being a liar this year.

9. Continue my journey to find the Lord. I need Him to help me through this roller coaster in my life.
Okay I shouldn't say that I gave up on this because I didn't but I learned that I'm not a very regilious person and never will be. I'm not the guy who post bible quotes and stuff like that, but I do pray and hope and is finally getting this guidance I need.

10. Be a better person to everyone I know, I just need to relax more.
Well, people have to tell me how I did on this one. I tried to improve myself and make myself a better person and friend.

Picture of the Week (12/26-1/1)

Thursday December 30, 2010
Like Mother Like Son