I'm yawning like I'm tired when my brain is keeping me awake. I'm not sure why or really what's wrong with me. I've had another busy day with Cristian. I was dealing with him, fighting him and just fighting myself to stay calm.
It couldn't have been the 20 minute cat nap I took in the living room when I passed out on the floor that is fucking me up. I'm not a nap person but that's just ridiculous.
Then what is it?
Since getting back from Vegas I've been thinking about my life over the last five years with Mandy at my side. It hasn't been easy. It hasn't been pleasant. At times it's been freighting and scary. But now I can look back and think about my life.
It's crazy, how did my like get so lucky? Why do I feel like I'm not allowed to enjoy it? Am I allowed? I've been such a jerk to people for so many years, that the ones who have stuck with me, I wonder about their sanity.
The other night I was having a conversation with an old friend, an old girlfriend, and we had a talk about who we are and how we got here. Me and her agreed with one thing, we don't like ourselves.
There I said it. I don't like myself. I don't like my attitude. I don't think I'm a good enough friend. I don't think I'm the nice guy everyone thinks I am. I don't like how I look. I don't like anything.
I've always been so positive about things, about life and about everything. Yet in the happiest time of my life, I can't find happiness in myself.
I'm going to turn 29 in less than two months. Why do I feel like this? It makes no sense to me at all.
Maybe I should try to crash again. Maybe I should get some rest.
Maybe alot of things.
I don't know anymore......
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