Today is more prominent than normal. In the last 24 hours I've heard and read things that actually hit me harder than normal. It all started when Mandy posted her new blog post up last night.
It hit me. I'm going to be 30. On top of that CJ is going to be 4. FOUR! I am going to have a four year old. How did that happen? In these four years I've learned how to be a better father. He made me grow up finally from a bar guy to a stay at home daddy. My life during the evening till he goes to bed revolves around the Disney channel. Me and Mandy don't have alot of time to ourselves anymore and most of the time we have we are too tired to really enjoy it. But to be honest, I wouldn't want to be any other way.
The other thing that got me was a Kevin Smith smodcast I was listening to yesterday. I know what you are thinking, "why are you listening to Kevin Smith smodcasts?" and "how could something said by him get to you?" Well first off, I love Kevin Smith, dating back to Clerks. I even have one of his books. He's a Jersey boy who made it big but it wasn't till I started listening to his podcasts, or smodcasts, where I gained alot of respect for him as a person. Listening to him talk about life actually inspires me and even though I'm getting older I still believe one day I will do something big. Just one thing.
To get my point though, I was listening to an episode of Jay and Silent Bob Get Old from Edmonton from last year and this is when he explained his love for the Edmonton Oilers. While I enjoy his love for hockey and actually is able to explain how the sport is truly like a religion, he said something that I wrote in my quotes last year. "You have to go where the puck is."
That makes no sense to anyone unless you truly think about it.
Today I was looking through old photos, prepping my next video, and a few things came to mind. First of all, who are some of these people? #2, I look extremely young, and even fatter in 2003/04. And finally, who is that man?
Who is that guy? That's not me right? The guy with the full beard and long hair holding a microphone a basement while the people around here are plastered and probably don't even remember the night. Who is that guy?
Who is this young guy with all these people? Who is the guy that ALWAYS has a beer in his hand? Is NEVER home?
I guess that is me. Back then I walked a fine line between being liked and hated and some called me the ringleader of the crew circus. There's even a video of Tom thanking me for keeping all that together for as many years as we did it.
Sometimes I look back for various reasons, this was just for a silly video presentation. But every time I look back, the older I get, the further away it seems. It's almost like I lived two lives. A few people crossed over from one to the other but it's a different world.
It's like when a TV show has a spin off show. At the beginning it's almost the same, to keep the old audience and hope they follow along. It looks familiar, some characters came over, it has the same star, but everything else is different. The location, the theme song and especially the story. It brings in new people and new adventures. Suddenly it's a different show altogether. By that point some people will turn it off because it's not what it was. Others will stick around. The new audience is all in for the ride.
That's what my life has been like. Pre September 5, 2005, I had one story. Then September 5th, a new one started. The same star, but a new co star. A new location. New characters. Some of the old ones stuck around for a while. Most just went away completely. Now in 2012, it's a completely different cast then it was. Every year it seems to change. Some old cast members would make an appearance here or there but at the end of the day they are there only once in a while, almost like for a ratings bump, but then they go away and everything goes back to normal.
It's like in the WWE right now. The WWE brought back The Rock for WM this year to face John Cena. It was all just for a ratings pop and PPV buys. When it's all said and done, he'll go away. When he does then the show will go back to normal, the fans that came in to see him will go away again.
The closer get to 30, the most I realize I don't need the "guest stars" anymore. Once in a while it's good to talk to an old friend, or even go out to lunch with them. But when the dust and I need someone to talk to, who's going to be there? The ones who just wanted to see me because they were bored and wanted to reminisce or the ones who have always been there. The "regular cast" as it is.
(Wow I just realized if I thought about that metaphor earlier that could have been a whole blog on it's own. Oh well. I'm on a roll. This is why I like to blog live.)
That being said, as I get to 30, my stories, my videos and everything in between will actually be therapy and closure. Much needed closure.
My life is so much different compared to what I expected it to be. But at the end of the day what's the point of looking back? I tried that. For a while all I did was look back. Fuck if I know why? The past is the fuckin past. I'm not that man anymore.
The more I think about it, there's a Tim McGraw song that is perfect for how I'm feeling right now that will make this whole ramble session I wrote make sense.
So I will leave you with it. Thank you for reading, I hope any of this made sense. It sure made me feel better.
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