A Little Trip Down Memory Lane

There's been alot of talk about reunions and the past lately, and it made me think about alot of stuff. But unlike in the past where I've thought about what ifs or what could I change or stuff like that, I just thought about  the moments. So I found 10 pictures, completely random, that I always look like and laugh and think of a different time.

Don't take this like I want to go back to those times, because my life is amazing now, but it is nice to look back at some of the good moments, around all the drama. Sometimes I think people forget to do that.

Trying to figure it all out

Ever just sit and want to write a blog and just draw a blank. There's so much on your mind, but at the same time nothing at all.

That's where I am right now. I've started this entry three times over the last three days. I'm not sure what to say or what I want to say.

It's hard to say how I feel at times. It's hard to sit and talk about life at times.

It seems like everything is changing. CJ is returning to school next week, in what should be a MUCH better enviroment and experience for him. My work schedule is going to change in November, which screws up my workout schedule that I finally have set. Hopefully I figure that out, I'm finally losing weight again and it feels good.

Mandy and I are finally back at that strong point that I fucked up last year. We are completely in sync and back to where we should be. It's good to have my second half back. Things couldn't be better.

As for my friends, I hope people realize I'm not intentionally ignore you guys. It's weird, I lately have just wanted to be alone, not talk to alot of people. The people I have been talking to are the ones who I'm hanging out with. I try to talk to people all the time, but there are times as of late where I just want to sit and listen to music and zone out.

As for where my head is lately, I have no idea how to respond to that. My head hasn't been fully here lately, I don't know why. Maybe it's the fact that this upcoming month and a half are so busy and I'm trying to make sure everything me and Mandy have planned works out without a hitch. Maybe it's the fact that I feel like I'm at a crossroads at my life. I'm 28. I work for Frontier Airlines, married with a son. If you have told me any of that back in 2004, I would have thought you were insane. In a way, I realize that I'm turning 30 in two years. Those two years are going to fly by, especially at the pace the last couple have. I feel like I need to do something more. There's got to be something else. I need do accomplish one more big thing. Maybe I don't need to and I feel like I need to. Maybe I'm just looking for a sign that tells me one or another.

Is it good to be happy where you are in life when one time you thought you would have or need more?

Picture of the Week (9/19-9/25)

Friday September 24, 2010

Leigh flying to Indy

Picture of the Week (9/12-9/18)

Saturday September 18, 2010

Emily posing for me at McDonalds

Hard TIme Sleeping

Normally by 11pm, on any night I would be asleep. Between having a two year old and a very busy schedule during the week, it's very rare I'm up very late unless I'm out and about with friends. Tonight though I'm up. Maybe it's the fact that I took my meds really late today and they are affecting me really late in the night. Maybe it was the pathetic display of a football game that Giants just played. Maybe it's the fact that I always have things on my mind.

It seems like that most of the the next couple of months is pretty busy. Making plans in advance with friends is a very good thing. But wow, between friends, ppvs, tickets to stuff, birthday parties, church stuff, a weekend trip and even I'll throw in football games every weekend till Thanksgiving is pretty booked already. That to me is unreal. I guess that's part of growing up eh? Plan in advance, work around schedules and just make sure you have enough time to see everyone and do everything you want to do. It's hard work.

The other day it was brought to me and asked to me, "Why are you always the one who plans things?". The truth is, I love being the organizer, the guy who sets up bowling nights or karaoke get-togethers or even getting together with some friends for dinner. Also unlike back in the Crew days when I really was the only one planning things and trying to figure out dates, it's not that way anymore. Here's an example of that:

In October, me and Mandy want to do something for Halloween like we did last year. Maybe a karaoke night like we did last year. So I did my research and found three different dates to work with. Then I looked the calendar to see if Matt and Andy are off work. Then I will get in touch with Katie, Matt, Claire, Crystal, Kirby and anyone else that I know would want to come out to see if the date I'm thinking of will work, after already talking to Mandy. Then when I finish figuring that out, I will then talk to Mom about the date, make sure that her and Dad don't already have something that night so they could man the monitors after CJ is in bed. Only then will I send out an invitation on fb with all the info for everyone to see. My name might be on the invite but I'm not the only one planning this. Plus with this one, I want to get the date set sooner than later because it is Halloween themed and it will give people time to get costumes together. It's not as easy as it used to be.

I think some people think it's easy to just do things. While it's awesome to have "built-in babysitters" as some people call them, it's not fair to Mandy's parents to ask them to watch CJ every week. It's not being good parents. Plus there are times that me and Mandy want to have a weekend like this weekend where we just spend time together as a family.

For some reason this stuff has bothered me lately and I'm not even sure why.

Also maybe I'm changing, because things are starting to get to me more often. I'm sick of being made fun of, in a serious matter, I'm sick of having my family and friends get made fun of, in a serious matter. Maybe it's the fact that I finally have some self confidence, and I look at myself a little higher than I used to. Maybe it's because I expect better for people I care about. Maybe it's fact that as I get older, that more I just want to get away from stupid bull shit. I've  been saying it for years but I think I'm finally taking it very serious. I rather be a loner with not alot of friends, than deal with stupid shit.

I'm 28 years old. I'm going to be married for five years in February. I have a two year old little boy. My responsibilities are so much different than I ever thought they would be. My mindset it completely different than it's ever been before. I actually give a shit about myself. I don't put anyone or anything else about my family. I am a typical family man, and I'm okay with that.

I have very few friends that understand where I'm coming from. Being a parent changes you. Being a good spouse changes you. It's about them. It's about the three of you. (Or however many people you have in your family.) It's not about going out and drinking. It's not about going out with work people to do stuff. It's not about how many hours you work to get by on bills. When you get to this level, it changes everything. When you are happy at this level, it's like you can't turn back.

I know it seems like I'm being all like a "know-it-all", I'm not. I don't know everything. It's like the Montgomery Gentry song "Lord, I’m learning so much more than back when I knew it all." But when I look at my friends, in crazy relationships, dealing with divorce or just not sure what to do with their lives, I realize I have it so good.

I'm done alot of growing up in this past year. Most of my friends don't even know how much. As life seems like it get harder and crazier, that's when I've realized I've gotten stronger. I've had to. Because I can't let life leave me behind.

Song of the Day:For My Babydoll

Oh her eyes, her eyes
Make the stars look like they're not shining
Her hair, her hair
Falls perfectly without her trying

She's so beautiful
And I tell her every day

Yeah I know, I know
When I compliment her
She wont believe me
And its so, its so
Sad to think she don't see what I see

But every time she asks me do I look okay
I say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

Her nails, her nails
I could kiss them all day if she'd let me
Her laugh, her laugh
She hates but I think its so sexy

She's so beautiful
And I tell her every day

Oh you know, you know, you know
Id never ask you to change
If perfect is what you're searching for
Then just stay the same

So don't even bother asking
If you look okay
You know I say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

The way you are
The way you are
Girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

Picture of the Week (9/5-9/11)

Saturday September 11, 2010

CJ having a blast at the fire station

Do You Remember 9/11?

There are very few full days that stick in your memory bank for a lifetime. Whether it be good or bad, moments get infused in your brain and they will never be removed until the day you die. For me those days are really easy. My wedding day, the day CJ was born, the day/night/overnight of Game 6 of the Stanley Cup Championship in 2000 and 9/11. Very weird list? Eh? We all have them and they all seem to end with some tragedy, for my generation it is today, September 11, 2001.

It's weird because I can remember that morning like it was yesterday. I got up a little late because I was up watching the Giants/Cowboys game on Monday Night Football the night before. I was getting ready for class and I was listening to Z100. I never watched TV in the morning, I listened to music and Z-Morning Zoo, back when the show was actually good. I remember that they came back in a frenzy and then went right into another song, I didn't think much about it because things happen in live radio. I finished getting ready and I was on the computer checking a few things and all of a sudden it was like wind taken from the sail. Reality struck harder than anything I had ever felt in my life. The Zoo cut to the Ch. 7 news because Tower 1 was on fire, so I tuned in obviously for the main curious reason to see what the hell was going on. Right when I tuned in I saw the plane crash into Tower 2 and it felt like I had no weight or strength in my legs and my body gave out and I blobbed on the bed in shock. At that moment, James was outside in the backyard because he was getting something for my dad and I frantically called him over to the window and just pointed to the screen and his jaw almost hit the ground.

I spent the rest of that day calling my friends, drove to school, drove to my sisters, finally came home and just sat and watched. I went back to my sisters and saw the smoke from the top of the hardware store. It was surreal. It was like living a disaster movie, except it was totally real.

I remember making a frantic phone call to Nadine because she had told me that she was thinking about going into the city that morning, just because. Luckily she was still asleep when I called her, but yeah I was extremely worried.

When nightfall came, I was still on the phone like crazy. Finally I got into my room to try to relax and Joanna called me crying and terrified. Even though she lived down the street from a police station, every sound was freaking her out and she didn't know what was next, if anything. I told her to relax, just pop in a CD of music, and fall asleep. Everything was going to be okay. I turned on the radio and the only station that had cut back to regular music was K-Rock and I knew I couldn't fall asleep to rock music, so I popped in my Disney Country CD, which I find funny now because I wasn't even a country fan yet, and finally fell asleep to that.

That whole day was a life changer, as I know it was for everyone else. No one I talked to or hung out with was at all the same after that day. It was struck alot of us pretty hard, especially since WTC was actually the PATH drop off for most of us in high school when we went on trip to see musicals and other shows.

Now I look back and I'm not the same person I was back then. The world isn't the same as it was back then. There are a lot of younger people that don't know what the world was like on 9/10/01. Life was different, things were different, this country was different. That day united our country like never before, and while here in 2010, it's not as united as it was then, it will forever be a day that changed our life.

I

I still have this photo up in me and Mandy's bedroom as a tribute and a remembrance.

It's really rough to talk about that morning and the emotions that were going through my head and heart. This might actually be the first time in nine years I've talked about it and didn't get teary-eyed and over emotional while doing it.

That day changed me, changed all of us, changed our country. All I ask is to remember it because at the time it seemed impossible that would ever happen, we were invincible, no one would ever think about attack us, especially not the heart of Manhattan and the nation's capital. Alot of people died that day, families still suffer to this day. Keep them in your prayers and hearts today, I know I am.

I can't have nice things

I am so done!

I know I'm going to get alot of hell for this, so people just shove it! I don't wanna hear about it!

As people know I've had alot of phone issues over the last few years. Being stolen, broken, blah blah blah. Well,I told myself when I got my blackberry that if something happened to it at all, I was done. I was meant not to have a nice phone.

Well I was working on Mom and Dad's grandparents' gifts a little while ago and my phone was on the TV stand. CJ got it and threw it before I could get to it and it landed screen done. Now the bottom the screen is fucked up and it's pretty much unusable. I mean it's still use able but barely. Without the bottom half of the screen I can't see anything or even send a text message. For that reason I am convinced I cannot have a nice phone. At all.

No matter what I do, no matter how well I take care phones, I always get fucked...hard!

I'm so sick of it!

Grrrr!

Song of the day for me

I think it's getting to the point
Where I can be myself again
I think it's getting to the point
Where we have almost made amends
I think it's the getting to the point
That is the hardest part.

And if you call, I will answer
And if you fall, I'll pick you up
And if you court this disaster
Ill point you home

You think I only think about you
When were both in the same room
You think Im only here to witness
The remains of love exhumed
You think were here to play
A game of who loves more than whom

And if you call, I will answer
And if you fall, I'll pick you up
And if you court this disaster
Ill point you home

You think it's only fair to do what's
Best for you and you alone
You think it's only fair to do the same
To me when you're not home
I think it's time to make this something that is
More than only fair

So if you call, I will answer
And if you fall, I'll pick you up
And if you court this disaster
Ill point you home.

But Im warning you, don't ever do
Those crazy, messed up things that you do
If you ever do
I promise you I'll be the first to crucity you
Now it's time to prove that youve come back
Here to rebuild.

Real Story of Friendship

I'm ready to explode

For the last couple of weeks I've been very out of it and not sure. I thought maybe it was because Mandy has been going through alot of health issues lately and I just want to take care of her but I can't.

Then I just laid on the couch today thinking about things and I realize I feel like I'm in constant state of repetition. But also a sense of erry similarities. When I was out in Jersey I would deal with people all the time, I would just deal with shit from people without thinking twice. Backstabbing, taking shit, very immature stuff, especially for a bunch of people getting into our 20s. I look back and wonder why I dealt with it all, but I realized I was learning still and I was just in a place where I didn't know any better.

Now I'm in my late 20s, I've grown up. I'm married with a kid, I have very good friends. Why does this stupidity and immaturity always follow me no matter what? I like to stay to myself, I don't want alot of friends for a reason. Whether it be the fact that I want to live my life without drama, or the fact that I don't want to care about stupid shit anymore. I've got so much on my plate on a daily and weekly basis that very few people understand where I'm coming from. It's hard to be a good husband, father, employee, want to get back into shape and want to help out around the house as much as I can.

Why do I have to deal with people who are constantly being so hypocritical about their lives and then look at someone else like whatever they do is shit? I'm so sick of my life being twisted and turned. I'm so sick everything I do and say being picked apart. I'm living MY life like I want to live MY life, I'm so sick and tired of people, especially close friends, making a big fucking deal out of it.

I don't get it! Why do I have to put with it??!?! Why do I need this shit?!?! Why do I do this to myself all the time?!?!

I guarantee this will be read by the main person I'm talking about and then the next time I see him he'll ask me, "who were you talking about?" and he'll name a bunch of people and he'll never guess it's about him. Because it' so into his own world that at times he doesn't care about other people's. He wants to talk to you about everything but when you turn the conversation around and need to vent or just talk about what's on your own, you get this treatment like "who cares about your problems?" I'm so sick of it!!!!

I think I'm going to have to step back a bit. Close my shell a little bit again, I don't want to get stung again. People don't understand why I'm so protective with myself and my life, it's because I've been burned so much that I'm sick of it.

I'm done. I really am.

Top 10 Pictures of the Summer of 2010

#10

June 26, 2010

United Godparents

#9

June 27, 2010

Visiting Friend

#8

June 1, 2010

Bucketboy!

#7

June 13, 2010

Funtime Mommy

#6

June 6, 2010

Boy and his Puppy

#5

July 2, 2010

By the Man Peeing

#4

July 16, 2010

Happy Princesses

#3

August 22, 2010

The Sunday Night Karaoke Trio

#2

July 24, 2010

Murseman!

Video of the Summer

July 2, 2010

Go AAA!

#1

June 27, 2010

Poohbear & Poohbear

Picture of the Week (8/29-9/4)

Wednesday September 1st

CJ goes to pre-school

Love is life on the road...

I was proud of myself for coming up with this metaphor last night, so I wanted to share it and make sure I didn't lose it or forget it.

"Unfortunately right now you have gone down two separate roads in a fork, the road has an end, you never get lost, just confused. Real love never goes away completely just take a detour every once in awhile."

How I feel alot of the time....

I guess I’d be a hero, with sword and armor clashing
Looking semi dashing, a shield within my grip
Or else I’d be a Viking, and live a life of daring
While smelling like a herring, upon a Viking ship
I’d sail away, I’d see the world, I’d reach the farthest reaches
I’d feel the wind, I’d taste the salt and sea
And maybe storm some beaches
That’s who I’d be
That’s who I’d be
I could be a poet, and write a different story
One that told of glory, and wiped away the lies
And to the skies I’d throw it, the stars would do the telling
The moon would help with spelling, and night would dot the I’s
I’d write a verse, Recite a joke, with wit and perfect timing
I’d share my heart, confess the things I yearn, and do it all while rhyming
What we all learn
What we all learn
An Ogre always hides, an Ogre's fate is known
An Ogre always stays in the dark and all alone
So yes I’d be a hero and if my wish was granted
Life would be enchanted, or so the stories say
Of course I’d be a hero, and I would scale a tower
To save a hot-house flower, and carry her away
But standing guard there’d be a beast, I’d somehow over whelm it,
I’d get the girl, I’d take a breath, and I’d remove my helmet
We’d stand and stare, we’d speak of love, we’d feel the stars ascending
We’d share a kiss, I’d find my destiny
I’d have a hero’s ending, a perfect happy ending
That’s how it would be
A big bright beautiful world
But not for me

Who I'd Be from Shrek The Musical

"If I could write a letter to me..."

Yesterday, Mandy wrote a blog that got me thinking. It actually reminded me of the Brad Paisley song Letter To Me. So I sat thinking what are things if I was ever able to go back and warn myself, what would I tell myself? I would send this to myself on the day after graduation from high school.

Dear Blake,

This is important for your to read. It's hard for you to comprehend right now, especially since you are still recouping from Project Graduation but read this because it will help your life for years to come.

1. Let your heart lead you in the right directions. Don't break up with Nadine just because you think it's the right thing to do because it's just a "high school romance" or because Harry and Lauren told you to. You have another good  year before things could really get complicated. You will need her especially to keep you on track through the first year after high school.

2. Don't trust Harry. You might think you can but he will find a moment when you are least expecting it to steal away the one thing in your life that means everything to you.

3. You won't last at the Cittone Institute so get out while you still can. Goto Bergen Community. BUT remember to Spend more time at BCC instead of at Willy P. Your friends might be at Willy P but it's not worth skipping class at BCC just to spend time with them. Actually finish school there instead of wasting your time.

4. Don't go into the radio and TV field, no matter what your heart is telling you. There is no real future in that field and CSB will be a total waste of money and time.

5. When the in-fighting in the Crew begins, and it will really fast and get really ugly, get out, move on. Save the friendships you have and move away from the group. You have the best friends a guy could ask for, it's not worth all the drama.

6. Don't let your own selfish pride end your friendships with Gary and Nadine especially. They could be your biggest cheerleaders and support staff if you let them  be that way. Don't do stupid shit to mess that up. It's not worth the pain of the breaks in time when you aren't close friends with them.

7. Forget about Carol and don't let Gary date her. It's not worth it for either of you. She is going to cheat on him and there will be a massive fight. So now just cut all ties, no matter what your heart is telling you. Your brain is smarter than that. She is going to use you for years to come, it's not worth it. She is one of the main reasons you will have pain in your life, don't let yourself deal with that.

8. Don't ignore Joe's drinking and drug habits when they start. You might be able to get to him because they get too bad and he turns into a man you don't even recognize.

9. If you meet a girl named Joanna, she can be a great friend, don't let her become anything more. She's not worth the heartache.  

10. Don't trust a man named Tim. You haven't met him yet but you will. He will seem nice on the outside and you will think you can be his best friend, but when push comes to shove he will hurt you and the people you care about just because he's selfish and truly doesn't care about others.

11. Love is hard. You will have very few relationships. Don't let them change who you are. The person you are is a great guy, don't change that for anyone, no matter what.

12. Flings aren't worth it, especially ones you have to drive across the state to see. They mess with your head and just play games with  your heart. 

13. Don't hook up with anyone you meet at Joe's places of employment. It will just end with total heartache that truly wasn't worth it to begin with.

14. Side yourself with Jessica, again you haven't met her yet but you will, when her and Gary get together. You're better off that way in the long run. 

15. When you meet a girl named Lisa, who will date Joe, don't take her outside appearance the first time you meet her as the way she is. She will be scared, but she will turn out to be one of your closest friends, and most reliable ally.

16. When the Devils win their third Cup, get your ass out of your room, take the cooler and goto the Meadowlands parking lot and celebrate. You will never get another opportunity to do it, don't miss out.

17. Trust your judgment when you meet a girl named Mandy on livejournal, she will change your life forever.

18. When you get married don't look back and regret. It's not worth it and will just cloud your mind. You will want to talk to old friends and old flames, don't get wrapped up in the past. It will make you a shell of your former self and almost tear apart your marriage. It's not worth looking back.

19. Take care of yourself and your body. It will cost you later in life. People will say that to you all the time but it ends becoming very true.

20. Finally when you do leave home, after you finally follow your heart in the right direction, remember one thing. Your parents will miss you. You will miss them. Don't realize this after you leave. Just because it seems like they don't love you, they do. Just have a hard time showing it.

Sincerely, your future self.
---Blake in Milwaukee (yes I said Milwaukee)

P.S. You will have an amazing son who is just like you, don't be afraid or scared, he will be the turning point of your life.

Life is Good...for once

This has been a crazy summer for me, it's been fun and a roller coaster to say the least. It seems that every year by the end of the summer you have to turn around and figure out where you stand. Let the smoke clear and see who's still with you and standing. What you want the rest of your year to be like.

Now as we enter September, I find myself hanging out with new people, actually wanting to do more with my life than just sitting around the house. I want to go out more often. Maybe even travel more when there's a little more money to do that. I'm so sick of being stagnant.

I'm also sick of being over-weight and out of shape. I used to be in great shape, then I got lazy. I stopped working out and eating right. I stopped taking care of myself. I stopped truly caring. I am solving that problem now by going to the Y three times a week and actually tracking my food again. I have learned that diets aren't for me at all though. I don't believe it them and they don't work because it's not a lifestyle change, it's just short term.

I look at things around me. My life is actually good finally. I have a great family at home. Me and Mandy are both happily employed. CJ is actually in school. There is more freedom to do stuff. I have some of the best friends a guy could ask for, whether they be in Milwaukee or Jersey. It's funny, it took a long time to realize who I truly wanted in my life, now I'm actually happy with who I'm hanging out with.

I also like my job. I love working for Frontier. It gives me the freedom to do more. It's actually an easy job, I have respect here and I know what I'm doing. People think that I'm staying here because I don't want to do anything. That's not true. It's really hard to find work in my field in this economy right now. I like the people I work with, I like the fact that I'm guaranteed work no matter what and I have my flight benefits. I've been accused of thinking like a "lifer" because I'm not actively trying to get out of here and I am thinking about a future here. I don't understand that logic at all. Just because I have found a home here, and eventually want to move up in the company, means I can't be happy where I am? For the first time I'm at a job where I'm NOT trying to find a way out all the time. Most people don't understand that at all. I figure it's putting money in our bank account and helping pay bills, it's a good deal.

I guess that's it. This rambling mess of a rant is done for now.

A New Start

Back in 2001, I made a live journal blog. Been trying to keep up with it as much as I can since 2005 when I moved out here. I don't really use it as much as I used to. I guess the fad is over. I keep it for most sentimental reasons, it's how I met Mandy. But I always have alot on my mind and usually don't have the time to write. Well since I figured I already have a little known blog on this web site, I'd start a personal one so that when the itch hits me to write, I could do it with no issues. So enjoy the ride and thank you for taking time to read this.