Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Changes on the Ship
I'll be honest it's been a while since I updated this thing. There HAS been alot to talk about. Problem as always is lack of time. When I can't blog at work anymore and we're always so busy at home, updating has been put on the backburner, for obvious reasons. That being said, with my part time work schedule and more free time, I will try my best to actually keep up with this thing.
It's the beginning of a weird week at work. I'm not going to go down the sentimental route, at least not in this entry. I'll save that for another time. But it's funny, people wonder why alot of us are taking this so hard. I've heard "at least you still have a job", "it's just a job".
Well back in 2005 when I took this job, with Skyway/Midwest at the time, I just looked at it as a place for me to work to get through school. That's what it did too.
Since that time, I've gotten married, had a kid, got a associates degree, made some of the best friends in the world and made a home for myself.
Back in 08, just after CJ was born there was a furlough. Due to the fact that CJ was just born I was in my own world. Things didn't really hit me hard, my head wasn't even in work mode for most of that time. It was almost like filler time between time with my family.
Now in 2011, it's different. This is a drastic change. People are leaving, almost like jumping off a sinking ship, retiring, moving to nights. All the people who I got close with, I won't see nearly as much as I'm used to. It's been rough.
In all honesty though, I'm looking forward to my personal change.
After much thought, back and forth, I decided to stay on the ship, go part time, stay on days and hope for the best. I'm looking forward to being a shorter schedule going into the winter months. Being able to have the rest of the day to goto the gym, keep up with the cleaning around the house and actually having the weekends to spend with my family.
The truth is, I was seriously thinking of jumping ship. But right now I still love going to work. I still like what I do. Do I have less to do then ever before? Yes. Are things ever going to be the same as they were even a year ago? No. But with every negative comes a positive, and that's how I have to look at it.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
A Cure to Imperfection and Self-Destruction
Every so often I sit back and look at my life. The thing with doing that is that on the outside things look so perfect. Facades are great for show, they are also good for hiding.
After almost six years of marriage, I've come to a couple of conclusions:
Yet for some reason, I always seem to fall apart at the seems. Just when things get great, it seems to always fall apart.
For years I've written in this blog and others like I could do wrong. I don't make mistakes. I don't screw up. Everything that happens is never my fault. It's always explained by sarcasm or blaming others.
As I look back those excuses were find for what they were there for. But at the same time they were the tape I was using to piece everything together. The issue with tape is that it comes loose over times and then just falls off leaving the same hole that was there to begin with, except overtime it actually gets bigger under the tape. Eventually, as I've learned over time, you run out of tape. It ends up becoming useless and just doesn't stick anymore. That's where I stand right now, with an empty tape dispenser, trying to patch up a hole that I should have patched up two years ago.
It's funny because I hide my own internal issues and almost preach to people who ask me for advice. I do this because I don't want to sit and dig deep into myself and figure out what's wrong with me.
The term I'd best describe it would be "self-destruction". It's like no matter what happens, I have a little button in my pocket that makes it all blow up. Whether it be my marriage, my friends or my family. It's like I can't live with a constant flow of happiness.
At times I think it's a lingering effect from the "Crew Era" where constant drama ruled and for me, and most of us, there were more meaningless battles than anything else. I was always in the center of it all. I was the unofficial leader and always seemed to be someone who enjoyed the fire even though I complained about it. That's fine when I was a teenager or in my early 20s but that was close to ten years ago.
After watching alot of Scrubs (my early morning obsession lately), I would like to call this issue "Dr. Cox syndrome". I can never seem to accept being happy. Never can face that facts that the life I think needs changing is the life worth living.
So this morning I am officially throwing out the proverbial empty tape dispenser and picking up a glue gun. This isn't Elmer's glue I am referring to either. This is strong super glue. The kind that you find in hardware stores that says to keep away from your skin when using because it won't come off. The kid that instantly take hold. The hardest kind to find and use.
Time to take down this silly facade. Time to make the world, or at least the people who care enough to spend time reading this, see the man behind the curtain. The man behind the smiles and the constant positive outlooks on life.
"I'm not a perfect person. There are many things I wish I didn't do."-Hoobastank
I have made alot of mistakes over my life. But the facts are there, I can't change what I have done or said to people. I can't fully even fully mend my wife's heart without realizing the consequences of my actions. While I can't change my past and I can't fix all the pain I've caused my loved ones, especially Mandy. I can't give her back the self confidence that she lost with every girl I've talked to and everything she's seen. But I can spend the rest of my life building her back up and swear to not be the one to knock her back down. I can't change people's immediate perception of me, but I can take a chance and change my perception of myself inside me and hope it sticks.
It's about time I stop regressing to bad habits. Stop saying one thing and doing another.
I also have to stop living on my reputation. It's like in wrestling, you can't live on your past, you have to evolve your character with time. It's the same thing in real life. I can't rely on the fact that I'm known as "a nice guy" or "a hopeless romantic". I can't hide behind the man I was when that's not the man I am today. I have grown up and I have changed. It's not all black and white anymore, there's tons of grey areas. I need to be the man I am, the good guy with an attitude.
For years I write and talk and it's just that, talk.
Words mean nothing without action; without a sudden change at heart, mindset and feelings.
No one is going to take me serious until I take myself serious.
*taking a deep breath*
Here we go....
It's gonna be a long ride...
And I can't wait.
After almost six years of marriage, I've come to a couple of conclusions:
- It's never as easy as you think.
- Some people don't understand that Mandy comes first, even after they get married themselves.
- I have no idea why I can't just be happy.
Yet for some reason, I always seem to fall apart at the seems. Just when things get great, it seems to always fall apart.
For years I've written in this blog and others like I could do wrong. I don't make mistakes. I don't screw up. Everything that happens is never my fault. It's always explained by sarcasm or blaming others.
As I look back those excuses were find for what they were there for. But at the same time they were the tape I was using to piece everything together. The issue with tape is that it comes loose over times and then just falls off leaving the same hole that was there to begin with, except overtime it actually gets bigger under the tape. Eventually, as I've learned over time, you run out of tape. It ends up becoming useless and just doesn't stick anymore. That's where I stand right now, with an empty tape dispenser, trying to patch up a hole that I should have patched up two years ago.
It's funny because I hide my own internal issues and almost preach to people who ask me for advice. I do this because I don't want to sit and dig deep into myself and figure out what's wrong with me.
At times I think it's a lingering effect from the "Crew Era" where constant drama ruled and for me, and most of us, there were more meaningless battles than anything else. I was always in the center of it all. I was the unofficial leader and always seemed to be someone who enjoyed the fire even though I complained about it. That's fine when I was a teenager or in my early 20s but that was close to ten years ago.
So this morning I am officially throwing out the proverbial empty tape dispenser and picking up a glue gun. This isn't Elmer's glue I am referring to either. This is strong super glue. The kind that you find in hardware stores that says to keep away from your skin when using because it won't come off. The kid that instantly take hold. The hardest kind to find and use.
Time to take down this silly facade. Time to make the world, or at least the people who care enough to spend time reading this, see the man behind the curtain. The man behind the smiles and the constant positive outlooks on life.
"I'm not a perfect person. There are many things I wish I didn't do."-Hoobastank
It's about time I stop regressing to bad habits. Stop saying one thing and doing another.
For years I write and talk and it's just that, talk.
Words mean nothing without action; without a sudden change at heart, mindset and feelings.
No one is going to take me serious until I take myself serious.
Here we go....
It's gonna be a long ride...
And I can't wait.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Seeking Perfection
Obviously I've been very lacking on blog posts ever since I shut down my pop culture blog in June. Honestly it's been a very busy summer. A summer that makes you think about life as well. It's been a summer of change.
(Maybe I've been watching too episodes of Scrubs lately and this entry to going to seem like something JD would say in a monolonge but just deal with it. It will have a vaild point.)
This summer has shown me alot about people and myself. Over the last few weeks I've been asked alot of questions that I didn't have immediate answers to. From my wife, my family, my friends, myself.
What kind of person am I becoming?
What happened to you?
Where did the romance go?
Why are you still working there?
Is this what life has become?
That last one is from me.
Today I was having a conversation with Mike (for those who don't know he's my best friend here in WI one of the few people I truly trust around here) and we were having a coversation about our lives. He recently (as recent as Monday) moved in with his girlfriend, me and Mandy have been dealing with alot of money issues and our new work bid came out yesterday. I came to a major realization today.
I've been doing this job for five and a half years. I've gone to and finished school. I've gotten married to the love of my life twice. I have an amazing three year old little boy. I'm actually happy. I'm in the best place of my life and all I can think about is the fact that I can't get off on Saturdays at work on this bid.
Wait a sec. What am I doin? Look at my life.
People search their whole lives for perfection in life. I don't believe that it's possible. Well I didn't. Until now.
Perfection is in the eye of the beholder. Is my life perfect? Maybe it is.
What problems do I really have?
Money. Well that's money. Everyone has money issues. That's part of life. If you don't have money problems in the middle class, you aren't living your life.
Friends. I've come to realize that my friends seem to fall into certain catergories. I just wish I knew who else fits in the "I've having a bad day I need a cheer up" catergory. That was seems to be lacking. But otherwise, I have great friends.
I heard that the future is what you make of it. That's so true. But a better quote is from Rock of Ages "
(Maybe I've been watching too episodes of Scrubs lately and this entry to going to seem like something JD would say in a monolonge but just deal with it. It will have a vaild point.)
This summer has shown me alot about people and myself. Over the last few weeks I've been asked alot of questions that I didn't have immediate answers to. From my wife, my family, my friends, myself.
What kind of person am I becoming?
What happened to you?
Where did the romance go?
Why are you still working there?
Is this what life has become?
That last one is from me.
Today I was having a conversation with Mike (for those who don't know he's my best friend here in WI one of the few people I truly trust around here) and we were having a coversation about our lives. He recently (as recent as Monday) moved in with his girlfriend, me and Mandy have been dealing with alot of money issues and our new work bid came out yesterday. I came to a major realization today.
I've been doing this job for five and a half years. I've gone to and finished school. I've gotten married to the love of my life twice. I have an amazing three year old little boy. I'm actually happy. I'm in the best place of my life and all I can think about is the fact that I can't get off on Saturdays at work on this bid.
Wait a sec. What am I doin? Look at my life.
People search their whole lives for perfection in life. I don't believe that it's possible. Well I didn't. Until now.
Perfection is in the eye of the beholder. Is my life perfect? Maybe it is.
What problems do I really have?
Money. Well that's money. Everyone has money issues. That's part of life. If you don't have money problems in the middle class, you aren't living your life.
Friends. I've come to realize that my friends seem to fall into certain catergories. I just wish I knew who else fits in the "I've having a bad day I need a cheer up" catergory. That was seems to be lacking. But otherwise, I have great friends.
I heard that the future is what you make of it. That's so true. But a better quote is from Rock of Ages "
"Sometimes the dreams you come in with, may not be the dreams you leave with."
The dreams I had when I was out of high school are NOTHING compared to what my life is now. Maybe this where I'm meant to be.
What wrong with this life?
What wrong with this person that I've become? Is there really anything wrong with it?
This is my life. And it's a damn good life.
It just took a long time to figure it all out.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Blah....
There are days where I sit and am trying to figure out why I'm not happy. I'm not sure.
I've accomplished just about everything I wanted to do before turning 30.
Finished school, got married, have a family, have amazing friends. Even started traveling. (Trust me I have a list of cities I want to visit, that's a list for another blog.) I have a family in two states that care about me. I have a good social life. I have a job that I actually like going to everyday despite the weather and whatnot, for now 5 and a half years.
Then what is wrong with me? I honestly don't know.
I don't even know why I'm typing this. I don't even know why anyone would care about what I'm saying.
What is wrong with me? Why can't I get out of this funk? Life is good when I goto bed most nights wondering why I don't feel like a good person. I don't know what it is.
I've accomplished just about everything I wanted to do before turning 30.
Finished school, got married, have a family, have amazing friends. Even started traveling. (Trust me I have a list of cities I want to visit, that's a list for another blog.) I have a family in two states that care about me. I have a good social life. I have a job that I actually like going to everyday despite the weather and whatnot, for now 5 and a half years.
Then what is wrong with me? I honestly don't know.
I don't even know why I'm typing this. I don't even know why anyone would care about what I'm saying.
What is wrong with me? Why can't I get out of this funk? Life is good when I goto bed most nights wondering why I don't feel like a good person. I don't know what it is.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Life Check In
It's been a while since I wrote in here. Over a month to be exact.
I've been actually asked why do I even have this blog? I rarely update it and actually spent most of my time the last four months updating my pop culture blog. (of which btw I will only be posting in two more times before I close it)
Well the facts are I just haven't had any ambition to sit and write.
Life has been up and down and so busy that it's hard to sit and write about it.
Over the last month I've gone through alot in my head. Looking at my life, looking at the person I had become, the person I was becoming. I needed some time to take a step back and look around and analysis some stuff.
It's hard to believe it's June already. The Stanley Cup Finals are going on already.
It feels like only yesterday I was looking forward to going to Vegas and the only concerts on the horizon was Rodney Atkins and Imagination Movers. Me and Mandy were about to renew our lives together and CJ was starting the year at Ebenezer.
One other thing I've noticed about this year so far is the same thing I say every year. You never end the year with the same relationships and friendships that you started with and for those who are always there no matter what, those are the lucky few.
It's taken alot this year, and this not just me, but to weed through those who hurt you, those who just want to get drunk, those who don't want to just hang out once and a while and just talk, is the best thing to do.
Now looking at the rest of the year, the calendar at the moment is pretty wide open. CJ is starting at his new school tomorrow, the next big things to look forward to are Cassie and Chris's wedding and state fair.
There's alot of time between now and end of the year to have more adventures like the first half of year.
But if I don't update as much, just realize it's not because I don't want to, it's because I don't have the time to because life is too busy to have time and type.
Oh...a couple of quick things.
#1, to Jersey people. There's a very good chance that I won't be making an appearance out east till 2012, so I extend an invitation to my best friends out there to come visit us. I do this every year but no one bites. (okay only one person ever has since me and Mandy got married) Let's see if anyone does this year.
#2, the curse of phones continues with me. The charging mechinism on my phone broke on Sunday night so if you are looking to get in touch with me I'm living through my IPod Touch till my temporary replacement comes in. So the easiest way to get in touch with me is going to be on facebook and through email, or gchat if you have it.
I've been actually asked why do I even have this blog? I rarely update it and actually spent most of my time the last four months updating my pop culture blog. (of which btw I will only be posting in two more times before I close it)
Well the facts are I just haven't had any ambition to sit and write.
Life has been up and down and so busy that it's hard to sit and write about it.
Over the last month I've gone through alot in my head. Looking at my life, looking at the person I had become, the person I was becoming. I needed some time to take a step back and look around and analysis some stuff.
It's hard to believe it's June already. The Stanley Cup Finals are going on already.
It feels like only yesterday I was looking forward to going to Vegas and the only concerts on the horizon was Rodney Atkins and Imagination Movers. Me and Mandy were about to renew our lives together and CJ was starting the year at Ebenezer.
One other thing I've noticed about this year so far is the same thing I say every year. You never end the year with the same relationships and friendships that you started with and for those who are always there no matter what, those are the lucky few.
It's taken alot this year, and this not just me, but to weed through those who hurt you, those who just want to get drunk, those who don't want to just hang out once and a while and just talk, is the best thing to do.
Now looking at the rest of the year, the calendar at the moment is pretty wide open. CJ is starting at his new school tomorrow, the next big things to look forward to are Cassie and Chris's wedding and state fair.
There's alot of time between now and end of the year to have more adventures like the first half of year.
But if I don't update as much, just realize it's not because I don't want to, it's because I don't have the time to because life is too busy to have time and type.
Oh...a couple of quick things.
#1, to Jersey people. There's a very good chance that I won't be making an appearance out east till 2012, so I extend an invitation to my best friends out there to come visit us. I do this every year but no one bites. (okay only one person ever has since me and Mandy got married) Let's see if anyone does this year.
#2, the curse of phones continues with me. The charging mechinism on my phone broke on Sunday night so if you are looking to get in touch with me I'm living through my IPod Touch till my temporary replacement comes in. So the easiest way to get in touch with me is going to be on facebook and through email, or gchat if you have it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)