Back On the Radar

5/16

As alot of people during my long partime break Mandy bought me Boy Meets World, seasons 5-7. Not only did this complete this series in our collection, it also gave me the ability to watch the college years, which even as a huge fan, I didn't watch that closely. The humor got mature and I just wasn't ready for it. Now I appreciate it.

Coupled with Glee as of late, my mind has been in overdrive.

For those who haven't noticed, I've been pretty quiet lately, except hockey talk, especially since my birthday. Yes I've been trying to make plans with people, and I talk to people who want to talk to me, but honestly I've been off radar.

This mainly started after I left the airport. Leaving was pretty hard on me. I wrote that blog saying goodbye, and all things considered, especially how things have gone since I left, I have no regrets. But after six years it was still weird.

Plus then I gave myself a week vacation, and then went into training right away. Right as that started, the Devils got red hot, all while the weather got alot nicer. So my life has become very adult again all of a sudden.

I guess this is the shot in the ass I needed to get back into gear.

Now to get back into the gym at least twice a week. That seems impossible right now but have to do something soon.

Otherwise for those wondering, especially after reading those random paragraphs that I have no way of tying together, I'm good.

I'm good, just busy and getting things in order so I can get into a new routine. It's taking alot longer than I expected.

Ramblings from My Notebook

With my new job, I have time to write again. It's nice I must admit. That being said I'm going to share some of what I write in here as I see fit. so when you see the notebook logo pop up there's where it's coming from. It may not make sense but when do ramblings make sense?

5/13/12

Ever sit on a delivery dock with one of your favorite movies on in the background and think about life?

What a silly question I know.

That's me today.

How did i get here??
How did I end up sitting on a delivery dock on a Sunday as a security officer of an empty warehouse facility?

Two weeks ago, I was an airport employee, depressed and struggling to even get out of bed in the morning.

Now I hang out as a security officer daily. 40 hours in uniform.

I've been asked do I like it?
How's work?
Honestly I'm still in an adjustment period.

"Go Where The Puck's Gonna Be"

I have this tendency to sit here and write the same blog post over again. I think alot of people do that. Some are on purpose (themed blogs where you have to find a tie in no matter the topic) but those are usually the big time ones where even though it ends the same way, the story is so good that it never matters. I've never been that good.

For me my blog has become a countdown to my 30th birthday. Nothing wrong with that. I have some awesome blog ideas coming soon in the next week or two. But a few things in the last 48 hours have become totally clear.

(The next couple of things are in here despite Mandy getting sick of my obsessions lately. Just saying.)

First of all, there's a phrase that I've really been trying to get to the true meaning of. "Keep your head up and never chase the puck; go where the puck’s gonna be." Kevin Smith got that from Walter Gretsky and turned it into his mantra. That quote is on my facebook page at the end of a paragraph about the greatness of hockey compared to real life. But to honest I never really looked into the words. Till I actually heard it fully explained by Kevin himself last night.

Now it makes sense. It's not about hockey. It's about life. The way to truly enjoy life. Not just looking at what you've done, look at what you CAN do. Don't sit and say "I don't know if I should do this" and just doing it. Instead of saying, "I want to be" something, just being that person.

Honestly my dreams and what I wanted to be got really shuffled over the years. Over the last six years all my personal dreams came true. I am a husband, a loving one. Do I make mistakes? Yes. Are the perfect couple in other people's eyes? Not really. But for me, she is perfect for me. I am a father, and while we have tempers that clash, I know I'm doing something right. I actually have TWO families that love me and I love them.

But whenever I am what I want to be as far as a career, I don't have an answer anymore. I have been an airport employee for so long, that when that comes to an end, I'm not sure where to go. I have a degree yes but the issue is I don't have the dreams anymore like, "I want to be a web designer" or "I want to be an editor". I kinda just want to make a living and have time for my family.

Maybe at the end of the day, I just want to be a family man. I want to be involved, I want to be there, as often as possible. I actually like this side of the world. I like the fact that I have time for my family.

My other thing lately has been the words "Seize The Day". That song has been a personal favorite for twenty years. Three simple words that when you say them they are very cliche. You are absolutely right.

But think about it this way. What would life be like if you don't strive for those goals? Seize every moment that you have.

I'm going to be 30 and for the last five years I've been trying to tie all the loose ends of my life together. I don't want regrets and issues to haunt me anymore.

So then I could look ahead and seize every oppurnity that is in front of me. Maybe a new job, maybe yet another hockey game, maybe just going out on a date with the most beautiful woman in the world.

The moments might since small and insuffient to everyone else but to me they are HUGE.

That brings to one other thing. Something I'm still learning, especially dealing with CJ's tantrums. If something is small to you, it may not be to someone else.

Even if you are so sick of hearing about it, talking about it, seeing pictures of it or even seeing tweets about it. Sometimes it's little things that helps get through the day.

For me today, Disney made me day by announcing the Newsies Broadway soundtrack is available for preorder. In addition I've been able to listen to two songs in full from the show. That kind of obsession sounds crazy to just about everyone, I'm aware of that. I'm actually surprised I haven't got more harrassed for all my Newsies stuff on fb lately. But it makes me happy at the end of the day and that's all that matters to me.

Where was I going with all this?

Oh yeah now I remember.

Life is short, enjoy it. Seize every moment you have in front of you. Never let anyone put you down, even if they want to. Always do what your heart tells you, esepcially when you have someone who inspires you by your side.

Oh one more thing.

Life happens. When you start concentrating on your current life and doing something with it, people start to get ignored, or it seems like they are just completely out of your life. Well even in the internet era, this happpens. I have alot of friends in Jersey who I barely talk to anymore. As a matter of fact, one just got married over the weekend (Congrats Cira!). Lately I've come to conclusion that it's all part of this thing called life. If you have true friends, they don't go away. If you have true friends, they are there when you are in town to offer a ride, or take a couple of hours out of their lives to go out to dinner. Those are the people that matter. At the end of the day those are the people who never go away. I'm lucky I've got a bunch of those. Most aren't as lucky as me. That being said, when they need me, I'll be here for them as well. We don't have to talk every day, every week, or even every month. But what matters is those times I did talk to them, catch up on life, see how things are. As much as knowing everything about everyone on fb is great, sometimes, most times, those long friend talks are BY FAR the best things in the world.

I think I'm done now.

"Minute by minute, that's how you win it. We will find our way. But let us seize the day."-Newsies (Broadway)

Being Sentimental

Call me sentimental but as I get to my 30th birthday I'm always thinking back to the past.

Well my mom gave me a project to move our old family videos to DVD. No problem, I'm not doing much right now except looking for work. So to kill the afternoon and keep me from napping, I'm working on this.

Well that being said no be shocked if I share some snapshot and videos from this.

It's one month till my birthday so why not have some fun and put some stuff up so people can celebrate with me.

So those on fb, enjoy the ride and feel free to comment along. It's going to be a crazy next month.

Meaningful Ramblings

There are many days I sit here, listening to a smodcast, music or even just watching wrestling and I wonder what has gone on with my life?

Today is more prominent than normal. In the last 24 hours I've heard and read things that actually hit me harder than normal. It all started when Mandy posted her new blog post up last night.

It hit me. I'm going to be 30. On top of that CJ is going to be 4. FOUR! I am going to have a four year old. How did that happen? In these four years I've learned how to be a better father. He made me grow up finally from a bar guy to a stay at home daddy. My life during the evening till he goes to bed revolves around the Disney channel. Me and Mandy don't have alot of time to ourselves anymore and most of the time we have we are too tired to really enjoy it. But to be honest, I wouldn't want to be any other way.

The other thing that got me was a Kevin Smith smodcast I was listening to yesterday. I know what you are thinking, "why are you listening to Kevin Smith smodcasts?" and "how could something said by him get to you?" Well first off, I love Kevin Smith, dating back to Clerks. I even have one of his books. He's a Jersey boy who made it big but it wasn't till I started listening to his podcasts, or smodcasts, where I gained alot of respect for him as a person. Listening to him talk about life actually inspires me and even though I'm getting older I still believe one day I will do something big. Just one thing.

To get my point though, I was listening to an episode of Jay and Silent Bob Get Old from Edmonton from last year and this is when he explained his love for the Edmonton Oilers. While I enjoy his love for hockey and actually is able to explain how the sport is truly like a religion, he said something that I wrote in my quotes last year. "You have to go where the puck is."

That makes no sense to anyone unless you truly think about it.

Today I was looking through old photos, prepping my next video, and a few things came to mind. First of all, who are some of these people? #2, I look extremely young, and even fatter in 2003/04. And finally, who is that man?

Who is that guy? That's not me right? The guy with the full beard and long hair holding a microphone a basement while the people around here are plastered and probably don't even remember the night. Who is that guy?

Who is this young guy with all these people? Who is the guy that ALWAYS has a beer in his hand? Is NEVER home?

I guess that is me. Back then I walked a fine line between being liked and hated and some called me the ringleader of the crew circus. There's even a video of Tom thanking me for keeping all that together for as many years as we did it.

Sometimes I look back for various reasons, this was just for a silly video presentation. But every time I look back, the older I get, the further away it seems. It's almost like I lived two lives. A few people crossed over from one to the other but it's a different world.

It's like when a TV show has a spin off show. At the beginning it's almost the same, to keep the old audience and hope they follow along. It looks familiar, some characters came over, it has the same star, but everything else is different. The location, the theme song and especially the story. It brings in new people and new adventures. Suddenly it's a different show altogether. By that point some people will turn it off because it's not what it was. Others will stick around. The new audience is all in for the ride.

That's what my life has been like. Pre September 5, 2005, I had one story. Then September 5th, a new one started. The same star, but a new co star. A new location. New characters. Some of the old ones stuck around for a while. Most just went away completely. Now in 2012, it's a completely different cast then it was. Every year it seems to change. Some old cast members would make an appearance here or there but at the end of the day they are there only once in a while, almost like for a ratings bump, but then they go away and everything goes back to normal.

It's like in the WWE right now. The WWE brought back The Rock for WM this year to face John Cena. It was all just for a ratings pop and PPV buys. When it's all said and done, he'll go away. When he does then the show will go back to normal, the fans that came in to see him will go away again.

The closer  get to 30, the most I realize I don't need the "guest stars" anymore. Once in a while it's good to talk to an old friend, or even go out to lunch with them. But when the dust and I need someone to talk to, who's going to be there? The ones who just wanted to see me because they were bored and wanted to reminisce or the ones who have always been there. The "regular cast" as it is.

(Wow I just realized if I thought about that metaphor earlier that could have been a whole blog on it's own. Oh well. I'm on a roll. This is why I like to blog live.)

That being said, as I get to 30, my stories, my videos and everything in between will actually be therapy and closure. Much needed closure.

My life is so much different compared to what I expected it to be. But at the end of the day what's the point of looking back? I tried that. For a while all I did was look back. Fuck if I know why? The past is the fuckin past. I'm not that man anymore.

The more I think about it, there's a Tim McGraw song that is perfect for how I'm feeling right now that will make this whole ramble session I wrote make sense.

So I will leave you with it. Thank you for reading, I hope any of this made sense. It sure made me feel better.

On the Road to 30...

Did anyone actually think I was going turn going to turn 30 quietly? Of course not.

It's 44 days till my birthday. Crazy thought. That being said, with the free time I currently have, I'm filled with ideas and am searching for different ways to express my feelings on life, past and present. This is what I will be doing for the next month and a half.

It started with the video I made for my airline friends, you can see that in this post.

After that, I went to work my anniversary present for Mandy. I haven't sat and worked really hard on a big project.

After that video, and Mandy loved it, I felt I could get into a groove again. But then we had a busy February.

Once the page turned on the month I wanted to do something kinda big. Then I started watching some old Kevin Smith Q&A DVDs and used them as background noise while I was cleaning. Well as the ed of Too Fat For 40 he said something that has stuck in my brain, "If you don't celebrate yourself, no one else will."

That being said, while I'm still putting party plans together, I decided in order to truly celebrate me turning 30, I need to celebrate my life, past and present, before I can concentrate on the future.

So yesterday I went to lunch with a old friend Kirby, someone who I haven't seen or heard from in over a year or so. Our lives have parted and gone in seperate directions. But he's going into the Army in April, and since I can't goto his goodbye party, we decided to do lunch and catch up and just hang out. After that lunch, I got in the car and I thought after friendship.

There's been alot of talk about how good friendships truly are. Well that's what inspired my newest video today.

This video is a shoutout, a tribute and a fuck you all in one. This is me addressing issues without actually saying a word. This is me being honest and open. This is me using what could one day be an anthem and telling a real story.

And that is step one of my road to my birthday. This is me opening up to a place I haven't been in a long time.

For the first time in a long time I'm fully inspired so expect this rollercoaster of emotions in the only way I truly know how.

Healthy Path Through Lent

Yesterday was Ash Wednesday, as most know, and the theme on facebook and twitter was giving up something. Some were joking around, some were a little nuts, some were just didn't care.

Well for me, with Puzzle Busters last night, I didn't have time to sit and think what I would "give up". Problem is that I have no major vices. I've been more laid back when it comes to just about everything. There's nothing that I could think of "giving up" that would really affect or change me.

So then I thought this morning about something that I remember hearing when I was in Catholic school when I was younger; Lent isn't about just giving up something up just because, it's about sacrificing to help yourself in the eyes of God.

That being said I'm going to "give up" not taking care about of myself. Meaning no more snacking with no purpose, skipping workouts, even taking care of my dental issues. I've gotten lazy, too lazy.

So now that the craziness of the last two weeks is over, it's time to get serious about stuff again.

Break from the action....

Hello everyone,

It's early on a Sunday morning. CJ is playing with Papi and I don't have to get ready for work for a little while so I figured I'd check in.

I must admit I don't remember a time in recent memory that I've been so busy. There really hasn't been much of a dull moment over the last two weeks.

So far, two Admirals game, me and Mandy's anniversary, doctor's appts, v-day, meetings at school (both positive) and Mandy was on the Morning Blend. (If you didn't know that already lol) All the while work has been hell (rant for another blog) and I'm looking for a new job before April.

It's funny because today in Hockey Day in America, the Devils are in the "main event prime time spot" and I MIGHT see the third period because we have a birthday party to goto today for one of Cristian's friends.

Trust me, I'm not complaining at all. I'll probably have an entry with a photo look at this month. It will show how busy we've been.

I will admit I'm looking forward to Wednesday night. After months of planning and getting things in order, it is the first meeting of The Puzzle Busters. So on top of stuff at church and normal routine, going to be spending the next 48 hours getting stuff together for that big night.

Oh also on the parent front, apprently as of Thursday, I'm a member of the Penfield parent advisory group. Being apart of that will be good for Cristian overtime. Especially since they have been taking care of him so much since he started going there.

So life is good, in most fronts. I'm even getting along with my family, especially my sister again. For those who know the history behind that, I'm not going to go back into it, but that's definately a good thing!

That being said, time to get ready for another busy day. Another busy week.

Hopefully soon I have to time to write in here more often and in my secondary blog. I do have alot to talk and vent about, just don't have time to sit here and type it out.

Oh before I go, two quick TV special notes for those who like fun stuff. VH1, if you didn't see it yet, has been airing a Rock Doc The TRL Decade and it's a great watch, especially if you grew up watching TRL like me and Mandy did. And also for the parents reading this, especially Disney parents, if you didn't watch it yet, Disney Junior aired Jake and the Neverland Pirates: Peter Pan Returns this week, and I've never seen Cristian actually sit and stand still for a hour show like that before. Especially more than once.

That's it from me. =)

A Busy Life

I keep saying "I have to get back to the gym." There always seems to be a problem with that.

Ever since I went part time I tried to get a schedule together. Goto work, goto the gym, get home and do a whole bunch of stuff around the house. Monday and Friday no workouts, those would be heavy cleaning and laundry days. Well that was before winter hit.

Yeah winter has been very tame. But that's not what's keeping me. I always seem to have something to do. Especially this week. I know there is so much going out the next week and a half and I want to be ready. Whether it's typing up a pre-written blog for Mandy to plug the Puzzle Busters in two weeks, or find stuff to get signed on Sunday at the Admirals wrestling night. There's so much to do to set up the next two weeks.

I come off as a lazy person because I'm not working out and whatnot or I'm posting alot of stuff online. Yesterday during the Giants parade was the first time I actually sat and did nothing while I was working on something.

Eventually when things get quieter I will be able to get a schedule back up and running.

Yes I'm Here...

I've been quiet.

Very quiet.

Why?

Not too sure.

To be honest as busy as I've been there isn't much to truly talk about.

Just wanted to let people know that I'm still alive. Just been keeping a low profile and not talking to many people.

Hopefully in the next couple of weeks I will have more to say.

More on my mind than football...

You would think that my top thought today would be the Giants last night. Yes I'm estatic about the Giants going to the Super Bowl, don't get me wrong, but that's two weeks away.

Even with that happening, that's not even close to the top thing on my mind.

I'm already working on Mandy's anniversary present. Well part of it.

I'm just about done with inventory with my DVDs. I have a few things to go through but as people on fb has seen I've started editing stuff down. Next thing to do is prep some major projects. I haven't had the passion to edit like this in years. That passion is flowing through my veins. Like an old friend. For those who have never seen my projects in the past, look at my youtube and facebook. I need to do a few things, and also work out a few things to really get into it.

Tuesday we have a HUGE meeting with Easter Seals. CJ is finally getting the help he needs and this is our first official meeting with them. It's good to know that things are finally going in the right direction.

It's going to be another busy week that's for sure.

Before I get done here let me share some pictures.



Always a Dreamer

"A man has dreams of walking with giants, to carve his niche in the edifice of time." (Mary Poppins)

Much like most people I've been a dreamer my whole life. My life has been a roller coaster since high school but sometimes before all that I had dreams.

• Originally I wanted to be a doctor. Don't even know why. It was the thing to do. It was a good job and money. I also wasn't even in high school yet.
• I've always wanted to write a screenplay. Like actually write a full movie or tv pilot screenplay, send it out and hope that it would take off. Call that the Dawson's Creek dream.
• Then I got into TV production and I wanted to make a documentary. Something impactful. Something that means something and stand out. Put some music behind it, edit it and publish it. Maybe win an award and then say that I did it.

Then came the Crew era. I never made it through school. I decided, for some reason, that partying and drinking with friends was more important than an education. I don't know what happened to me. For about four years I made some stupid decisions and with every one of those, I stepped further back. I didn't have the guidance I needed and when I was given it I wasn't listening. I put my dreams on the backburner and didn't even realize it.

"Back when the world was flat and Mom and Daddy didn’t have a clue. That was back. Back when a pitcher of beer and a couple shots made me bulletproof. Back when “God” was a name I used in vain to get a point across when I got ticked off. Lord, I’m learning so much more than back when I knew it all."-Montgomery Gentry

I've heard somewhere that love does crazy things to someone. Makes you do stuff that you didn't think was possible. Or was totally possible but left your mind years ago so you think it's not possible.

As you can see above I never mentioned anything about getting married or starting a family. It was never even on my mind. For a long time I was always a loner. Yeah I fell in love, broke a heart here and there and had my heart broken. But when it came to the future it was never even in the cards. Never thought about it at all.

That all changed by one smile in the airport in February 2005. That's when everything changed. My dreams changed. My life changed.

I started dreaming about getting married and having a child. Getting a good job, anywhere, just so I could have the money to do stuff. I wanted a family.

Every so often I look back and think what life would have been like if I never met the love of my life. If I was still trying to reach the unreachable unrealistic dreams. If I didn't have my rock at home, the guidance I didn't have growing up.

Do I want to accomplish something that changes everything? Yes.

But I want it to help CJ or Mandy. I want it to help them. I want to help my family.

The rest of the world doesn't matter anymore.

"Sometimes the dreams you come in with, may not be the dreams you leave with." (Rock of Ages)

New Chapter Begins Now...

It's very cliche at this point to say...new year, new this, new that. But it my case that's exactly what it is.

It's 2012. Not even two weeks in yet. So I figure I still have time to get the "New Year" blog post up.

All joking aside, things feel different this year.

Nice eh?

First of all, this blog is being typed up on me and Mandy's new computer that we got over the weekend. It's a nice all for one unit with no tower, an HD touch screen, wireless keyboard and mouse and even a remote. The sound system is awesome and I can't wait to make videos on this thing. It's also nice to have a working computer in our room again. It's a massive step for us and now I just have to re clean up our desk around this system. It's alot bigger than what we used to have so I had to move alot around to make it fit. No biggy. Gives me something to do.

Also on this blog, as you probably see, I have a new easier to read template and to the right you can see the three blogs that I regularly read. I hope to also add some more links soon. 

Mandy's amazing blog

As for me, what am I up to? Currently I'm working a part time schedule. Mondays 5-9am, Tuesdays-Fridays 4-9am. Sounds a little nuts huh? Well it's a schedule that I actually chose. It's for money reasons. When I'm not at work I'm not just sitting around. I'm always busy. As a matter of fact today has been one of my laziest days. I'm always doing something around the house, cleaning, reorganizing something, even moving something to a DVD. I'm working out three days a week at Ballys and me and Mandy have gotten back to watching our calories on myfittnesspal.com.

On the work front, besides the part time schedule, to be honest I'm not going to use my blog as a soapbox about Frontier Airlines. If that's what you are expecting from me, just turn away now. It's been a rough couple of months. Good friends of mine have lost their jobs and right now moral is pretty low at work. I am job hunting but at the same time I'm not going to sit here and trash the company I still work for. It's not worth it.

Now a few other things that I want to also announce in here, especially since I have some more free time right now.

• I plan on getting back into a groove working on videos again. I miss doing it and now that we have a computer that I can actually work on them I plan on it.
• Once in a while I plan on reopening my other blog, Thoughts of the Common Viewer. It won't be the regular TV reviews that it was the last time I ran it. It will be more of my opinions on various subject matters, some predictions and thoughts as I see fit. I don't expect people to always agree with my opinion, or even care about what I have to say. I am going to do it again because, despite what some people think, it got alot of hits and it was a fun blog to run.

Also I plan on including some pictures in this blog, especially since I plan to update more often.

Scotty, Brandon and Me late last night at Amelia's.

It was Scotty's last day at work so we went for some drinks.

One more thing for the sports fans reading this that are expecting something in here from me.

Attitude Adjustment

I have to admit I hate change. Any kind of change throws me of. Over the last month that's all I've been dealing with. Just when things were finally going amazing well, then came the furlough.

Most people know what's going on, so I won't go into that, but we went from 101 people on a full time alone,to 98 people total in Janurary (F & P). With all that going on, I had to make a decision. Either leave, go nights, or go part time days. Leaving was a huge possiblity but honestly that wasn't going to happen. So the decision was made, mainly because I wanted to make sure that I had time with CJ, going part time days would be the best decision. With that, I took a part time line, now I filed for partial unemployment. So things are good right?

Well yes and no. With that decision, and other decisions made by other people, alot of the co workers that I'm close with either leave via the furlough, servence, retired or are working a shift where I'm never going to see them. So with all that I got into a massive depressive state. That depressive state hit hard after the furlough party at Landmark last Saturday and culminated in the "you rock" on Saturday. To be honest for a second, it's taking me alot longer than I expected to adjust to my new early morning schedule. (even though I do LOVE being home on the weekends completely)

With all things considered I should be happy and in a good mood. More free time, able to get stuff done. Life should be good. Then why am I so out of it?

Why am I eating so much and actually gaining the weight back that I spent all summer burning off?

Why is everything getting to me? Every little thing everyone does is bothering me.

Things don't make any sense to me.

I need to take this long weekend (I'm still working tomorrow and Friday morning, but overall I get four days with the family) and enjoy the nice weather and get my head on straight. There is no need for me to explode for no reason. There is no reason for me to act the way I'm acting.

I need get back in the gym on Tuesday morning. No more excuses.

I need to just relax. Be productive but also realx. Enjoy this turn of events instead of dwelling on everything bad that has happened over the last month.

*deep breath*

A Cure to Imperfection and Self-Destruction

Every so often I sit back and look at my life. The thing with doing that is that on the outside things look so perfect. Facades are great for show, they are also good for hiding.

After almost six years of marriage, I've come to a couple of conclusions:

• It's never as easy as you think.
• Some people don't understand that Mandy comes first, even after they get married themselves.
• I have no idea why I can't just be happy.

The last one is the killer. You would think after an almost six year marriage/seven year relationship, and all the ups and downs we've been through, I would be happy where I am.

Yet for some reason, I always seem to fall apart at the seems. Just when things get great, it seems to always fall apart.

For years I've written in this blog and others like I could do wrong. I don't make mistakes. I don't screw up. Everything that happens is never my fault. It's always explained by sarcasm or blaming others.

As I look back those excuses were find for what they were there for. But at the same time they were the tape I was using to piece everything together. The issue with tape is that it comes loose over times and then just falls off leaving the same hole that was there to begin with, except overtime it actually gets bigger under the tape. Eventually, as I've learned over time, you run out of tape. It ends up becoming useless and just doesn't stick anymore. That's where I stand right now, with an empty tape dispenser, trying to patch up a hole that I should have patched up two years ago.

It's funny because I hide my own internal issues and almost preach to people who ask me for advice. I do this because I don't want to sit and dig deep into myself and figure out what's wrong with me.

The term I'd best describe it would be "self-destruction". It's like no matter what happens, I have a little button in my pocket that makes it all blow up. Whether it be my marriage, my friends or my family. It's like I can't live with a constant flow of happiness.

At times I think it's a lingering effect from the "Crew Era" where constant drama ruled and for me, and most of us, there were more meaningless battles than anything else. I was always in the center of it all. I was the unofficial leader and always seemed to be someone who enjoyed the fire even though I complained about it. That's fine when I was a teenager or in my early 20s but that was close to ten years ago.

After watching alot of Scrubs (my early morning obsession lately), I would like to call this issue "Dr. Cox syndrome". I can never seem to accept being happy. Never can face that facts that the life I think needs changing is the life worth living.

So this morning I am officially throwing out the proverbial empty tape dispenser and picking up a glue gun. This isn't Elmer's glue I am referring to either. This is strong super glue. The kind that you find in hardware stores that says to keep away from your skin when using because it won't come off. The kid that instantly take hold. The hardest kind to find and use.

Time to take down this silly facade. Time to make the world, or at least the people who care enough to spend time reading this, see the man behind the curtain. The man behind the smiles and the constant positive outlooks on life.

"I'm not a perfect person. There are many things I wish I didn't do."-Hoobastank

I have made alot of mistakes over my life. But the facts are there, I can't change what I have done or said to people. I can't fully even fully mend my wife's heart without realizing the consequences of my actions. While I can't change my past and I can't fix all the pain I've caused my loved ones, especially Mandy. I can't give her back the self confidence that she lost with every girl I've talked to and everything she's seen. But I can spend the rest of my life building her back up and swear to not be the one to knock her back down. I can't change people's immediate perception of me, but I can take a chance and change my perception of myself inside me and hope it sticks.

It's about time I stop regressing to bad habits. Stop saying one thing and doing another.

I also have to stop living on my reputation. It's like in wrestling, you can't live on your past, you have to evolve your character with time. It's the same thing in real life. I can't rely on the fact that I'm known as "a nice guy" or "a hopeless romantic". I can't hide behind the man I was when that's not the man I am today. I have grown up and I have changed. It's not all black and white anymore, there's tons of grey areas. I need to be the man I am, the good guy with an attitude.

For years I write and talk and it's just that, talk.

Words mean nothing without action; without a sudden change at heart, mindset and feelings.

No one is going to take me serious until I take myself serious.

*taking a deep breath*

Here we go....

It's gonna be a long ride...

And I can't wait.

Seeking Perfection

Obviously I've been very lacking on blog posts ever since I shut down my pop culture blog in June. Honestly it's been a very busy summer. A summer that makes you think about life as well. It's been a summer of change.

(Maybe I've been watching too episodes of Scrubs lately and this entry to going to seem like something JD would say in a monolonge but just deal with it. It will have a vaild point.)

This summer has shown me alot about people and myself. Over the last few weeks I've been asked alot of questions that I didn't have immediate answers to. From my wife, my family, my friends, myself.

What kind of person am I becoming?

What happened to you?

Where did the romance go?

Why are you still working there?

Is this what life has become?

That last one is from me.

Today I was having a conversation with Mike (for those who don't know he's my best friend here in WI one of the few people I truly trust around here) and we were having a coversation about our lives. He recently (as recent as Monday) moved in with his girlfriend, me and Mandy have been dealing with alot of money issues and our new work bid came out yesterday. I came to a major realization today.

I've been doing this job for five and a half years. I've gone to and finished school. I've gotten married to the love of my life twice. I have an amazing three year old little boy. I'm actually happy. I'm in the best place of my life and all I can think about is the fact that I can't get off on Saturdays at work on this bid.

Wait a sec. What am I doin? Look at my life.

People search their whole lives for perfection in life. I don't believe that it's possible. Well I didn't. Until now.

Perfection is in the eye of the beholder. Is my life perfect? Maybe it is.

What problems do I really have?

Money. Well that's money. Everyone has money issues. That's part of life. If you don't have money problems in the middle class, you aren't living your life.

Friends. I've come to realize that my friends seem to fall into certain catergories. I just wish I knew who else fits in the "I've having a bad day I need a cheer up" catergory. That was seems to be lacking. But otherwise, I have great friends.

I heard that the future is what you make of it. That's so true. But a better quote is from Rock of Ages "

"Sometimes the dreams you come in with, may not be the dreams you leave with."

 

The dreams I had when I was out of high school are NOTHING compared to what my life is now. Maybe this where I'm meant to be.

 

What wrong with this life?

 

What wrong with this person that I've become?  Is there really anything wrong with it?

 

This is my life. And it's a damn good life.

 

It just took a long time to figure it all out.

Life Check In

It's been a while since I wrote in here. Over a month to be exact.

I've been actually asked why do I even have this blog? I rarely update it and actually spent most of my time the last four months updating my pop culture blog. (of which btw I will only be posting in two more times before I close it)

Well the facts are I just haven't had any ambition to sit and write.

Life has been up and down and so busy that it's hard to sit and write about it.

Over the last month I've gone through alot in my head. Looking at my life, looking at the person I had become, the person I was becoming. I needed some time to take a step back and look around and analysis some stuff.

It's hard to believe it's June already. The Stanley Cup Finals are going on already.

It feels like only yesterday I was looking forward to going to Vegas and the only concerts on the horizon was Rodney Atkins and Imagination Movers. Me and Mandy were about to renew our lives together and CJ was starting the year at Ebenezer.

One other thing I've noticed about this year so far is the same thing I say every year. You never end the year with the same relationships and friendships that you started with and for those who are always there no matter what, those are the lucky few.

It's taken alot this year, and this not just me, but to weed through those who hurt you, those who just want to get drunk, those who don't want to just hang out once and a while and just talk, is the best thing to do.

Now looking at the rest of the year, the calendar at the moment is pretty wide open. CJ is starting at his new school tomorrow, the next big things to look forward to are Cassie and Chris's wedding and state fair.

There's alot of time between now and end of the year to have more adventures like the first half of year.

But if I don't update as much, just realize it's not because I don't want to, it's because I don't have the time to because life is too busy to have time and type.

Oh...a couple of quick things.

#1, to Jersey people. There's a very good chance that I won't be making an appearance out east till 2012, so I extend an invitation to my best friends out there to come visit us. I do this every year but no one bites. (okay only one person ever has since me and Mandy got married) Let's see if anyone does this year.

#2, the curse of phones continues with me. The charging mechinism on my phone broke on Sunday night so if you are looking to get in touch with me I'm living through my IPod Touch till my temporary replacement comes in. So the easiest way to get in touch with me is going to be on facebook and through email, or gchat if you have it.

Catching Up for My Birthday

It's April 19th. Yes that means tomorrow in my birthday. My 29th birthday to be exact. Since tomorrow I'm taking a complete day off from everything, work, my blogs and might even take a day off from being on my phone all day, I wanted to post today.

It's funny, I was asked the other day why I don't post in the blog that much, while my pop culture blog gets posted in just about everyday. Well there are two reasons for that. #1, my pop culture blog is surprising popular. I get alot of hits everyday on the topics I'm writing about so I try my best to keep with it, whether it be early in the morning before work, after work, during naps like today or anytime I have a chance when I'm by myself. #2, I've actually been trying to collect my thoughts on life. I talk to the people who matter to me and that's about it. It's like I felt with my livejournal, I stopped being personal with stuff.

Right now life is well life. Been busy with trying to be a good husband, the best father I can be and the best friend possible. Somedays I'm better at one than another. There are days where it all becomes too much for me to handle and I shutdown and just want to be alone.

This past year (4/20/10-4/19/11) has taught me alot of things about myself.

I have a different attitude at work than I ever had before, the don't let the stupid shit bother me attitude, do my job, chill with my friends and then come home to my family. It seems to give me a new lease on life there. It's refreshing. Work isn't a total drag anymore. Is it fun like it once was? No. But I'm trying to make it work so I can survive another year.

I'm learning day by day how to be a good father. With CJ's behavior problems and just the terrible twos, it's difficult not to scream and yell at him all the time everyday. I try not too. I don't mind being the bad cop and I still want him to respect me as his dad, but the same time I still want him to want to spend time with me, especially since I'm with him alot.

Mandy and I are where we needed to be a year ago. Are things perfect? No. But isn't that part of the challenge of any marraige? That's a challenge I can deal with.

I've also been in school this semester trying to finish up my degree with the portfolio class I failed. I'm so close to being done. It's right around the corner. I can smell it, taste it and I just want to be there and present so I can be done with school. The project has taken up alot of my brain power over the last two months, which is NOT a bad thing, it's just nice this week not to have to stress about it.

Other than all that, I'm just keeping busy. You can see that on fb. Life is not dull and never will be. Nor do I ever want it to be. How I see it, if life ever gets boring or dull, I must be dead. Boring is not in my vocabulary and never will be.

Insomnia rears it's ugly head...

I'm yawning like I'm tired when my brain is keeping me awake. I'm not sure why or really what's wrong with me. I've had another busy day with Cristian. I was dealing with him, fighting him and just fighting myself to stay calm.

It couldn't have been the 20 minute cat nap I took in the living room when I passed out on the floor that is fucking me up. I'm not a nap person but that's just ridiculous.

Then what is it?

Since getting back from Vegas I've been thinking about my life over the last five years with Mandy at my side. It hasn't been easy. It hasn't been pleasant. At times it's been freighting and scary. But now I can look back and think about my life.

It's crazy, how did my like get so lucky? Why do I feel like I'm not allowed to enjoy it? Am I allowed? I've been such a jerk to people for so many years, that the ones who have stuck with me, I wonder about their sanity.

The other night I was having a conversation with an old friend, an old girlfriend, and we had a talk about who we are and how we got here. Me and her agreed with one thing, we don't like ourselves.

There I said it. I don't like myself. I don't like my attitude. I don't think I'm a good enough friend. I don't think I'm the nice guy everyone thinks I am. I don't like how I look. I don't like anything.

I've always been so positive about things, about life and about everything. Yet in the happiest time of my life, I can't find happiness in myself.

I'm going to turn 29 in less than two months. Why do I feel like this? It makes no sense to me at all.

Maybe I should try to crash again. Maybe I should get some rest.

Maybe alot of things.

I don't know anymore......

Christmas Spirit?

It's weird, I've never had this problem before. Normally I'm cheerful, happy and ready for the holidays. I'm blasting Christmas music all the time and just jolly, for lack for a better term.

But this year, I'm not feeling it. I don't know why. I'm not in the mood for Christmas at all. I mean I don't have the want to even finish my shopping, we still haven't decorated or anything. It's hard. 

CJ is excited about Santa, and we are watching whatever specials are on the air. I even brought down my Mickey's Christmas Carol VHS to pop in. Still haven't.

Things just don't seem right. I'm not sure why.

Maybe it's real life finally sinking in. I don't have as much free time as I used to to work on a big project for Mandy that I have visualized. I don't have the energy to even do more. I want more time. I want to have the time to do stuff that I usually do.

I don't know. I have to adjust I guess. I need to get it into gear and fast. It's December 9th. Already. 16 days till Christmas. So much going on. So much to do.

Maybe someone can help me. Someone. Anyone. I need the boost. The Christmas magic. That passion I've had for years. The man in this picture. Life is so great, why can't I feel the spirit this year?