A Cure to Imperfection and Self-Destruction

Every so often I sit back and look at my life. The thing with doing that is that on the outside things look so perfect. Facades are great for show, they are also good for hiding.

After almost six years of marriage, I've come to a couple of conclusions:

• It's never as easy as you think.
• Some people don't understand that Mandy comes first, even after they get married themselves.
• I have no idea why I can't just be happy.

The last one is the killer. You would think after an almost six year marriage/seven year relationship, and all the ups and downs we've been through, I would be happy where I am.

Yet for some reason, I always seem to fall apart at the seems. Just when things get great, it seems to always fall apart.

For years I've written in this blog and others like I could do wrong. I don't make mistakes. I don't screw up. Everything that happens is never my fault. It's always explained by sarcasm or blaming others.

As I look back those excuses were find for what they were there for. But at the same time they were the tape I was using to piece everything together. The issue with tape is that it comes loose over times and then just falls off leaving the same hole that was there to begin with, except overtime it actually gets bigger under the tape. Eventually, as I've learned over time, you run out of tape. It ends up becoming useless and just doesn't stick anymore. That's where I stand right now, with an empty tape dispenser, trying to patch up a hole that I should have patched up two years ago.

It's funny because I hide my own internal issues and almost preach to people who ask me for advice. I do this because I don't want to sit and dig deep into myself and figure out what's wrong with me.

The term I'd best describe it would be "self-destruction". It's like no matter what happens, I have a little button in my pocket that makes it all blow up. Whether it be my marriage, my friends or my family. It's like I can't live with a constant flow of happiness.

At times I think it's a lingering effect from the "Crew Era" where constant drama ruled and for me, and most of us, there were more meaningless battles than anything else. I was always in the center of it all. I was the unofficial leader and always seemed to be someone who enjoyed the fire even though I complained about it. That's fine when I was a teenager or in my early 20s but that was close to ten years ago.

After watching alot of Scrubs (my early morning obsession lately), I would like to call this issue "Dr. Cox syndrome". I can never seem to accept being happy. Never can face that facts that the life I think needs changing is the life worth living.

So this morning I am officially throwing out the proverbial empty tape dispenser and picking up a glue gun. This isn't Elmer's glue I am referring to either. This is strong super glue. The kind that you find in hardware stores that says to keep away from your skin when using because it won't come off. The kid that instantly take hold. The hardest kind to find and use.

Time to take down this silly facade. Time to make the world, or at least the people who care enough to spend time reading this, see the man behind the curtain. The man behind the smiles and the constant positive outlooks on life.

"I'm not a perfect person. There are many things I wish I didn't do."-Hoobastank

I have made alot of mistakes over my life. But the facts are there, I can't change what I have done or said to people. I can't fully even fully mend my wife's heart without realizing the consequences of my actions. While I can't change my past and I can't fix all the pain I've caused my loved ones, especially Mandy. I can't give her back the self confidence that she lost with every girl I've talked to and everything she's seen. But I can spend the rest of my life building her back up and swear to not be the one to knock her back down. I can't change people's immediate perception of me, but I can take a chance and change my perception of myself inside me and hope it sticks.

It's about time I stop regressing to bad habits. Stop saying one thing and doing another.

I also have to stop living on my reputation. It's like in wrestling, you can't live on your past, you have to evolve your character with time. It's the same thing in real life. I can't rely on the fact that I'm known as "a nice guy" or "a hopeless romantic". I can't hide behind the man I was when that's not the man I am today. I have grown up and I have changed. It's not all black and white anymore, there's tons of grey areas. I need to be the man I am, the good guy with an attitude.

For years I write and talk and it's just that, talk.

Words mean nothing without action; without a sudden change at heart, mindset and feelings.

No one is going to take me serious until I take myself serious.

*taking a deep breath*

Here we go....

It's gonna be a long ride...

And I can't wait.

Seeking Perfection

Obviously I've been very lacking on blog posts ever since I shut down my pop culture blog in June. Honestly it's been a very busy summer. A summer that makes you think about life as well. It's been a summer of change.

(Maybe I've been watching too episodes of Scrubs lately and this entry to going to seem like something JD would say in a monolonge but just deal with it. It will have a vaild point.)

This summer has shown me alot about people and myself. Over the last few weeks I've been asked alot of questions that I didn't have immediate answers to. From my wife, my family, my friends, myself.

What kind of person am I becoming?

What happened to you?

Where did the romance go?

Why are you still working there?

Is this what life has become?

That last one is from me.

Today I was having a conversation with Mike (for those who don't know he's my best friend here in WI one of the few people I truly trust around here) and we were having a coversation about our lives. He recently (as recent as Monday) moved in with his girlfriend, me and Mandy have been dealing with alot of money issues and our new work bid came out yesterday. I came to a major realization today.

I've been doing this job for five and a half years. I've gone to and finished school. I've gotten married to the love of my life twice. I have an amazing three year old little boy. I'm actually happy. I'm in the best place of my life and all I can think about is the fact that I can't get off on Saturdays at work on this bid.

Wait a sec. What am I doin? Look at my life.

People search their whole lives for perfection in life. I don't believe that it's possible. Well I didn't. Until now.

Perfection is in the eye of the beholder. Is my life perfect? Maybe it is.

What problems do I really have?

Money. Well that's money. Everyone has money issues. That's part of life. If you don't have money problems in the middle class, you aren't living your life.

Friends. I've come to realize that my friends seem to fall into certain catergories. I just wish I knew who else fits in the "I've having a bad day I need a cheer up" catergory. That was seems to be lacking. But otherwise, I have great friends.

I heard that the future is what you make of it. That's so true. But a better quote is from Rock of Ages "

"Sometimes the dreams you come in with, may not be the dreams you leave with."

 

The dreams I had when I was out of high school are NOTHING compared to what my life is now. Maybe this where I'm meant to be.

 

What wrong with this life?

 

What wrong with this person that I've become?  Is there really anything wrong with it?

 

This is my life. And it's a damn good life.

 

It just took a long time to figure it all out.