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Sunday February 20, 2011 The Men Meet The Sarge! |
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
Insomnia rears it's ugly head...
I'm yawning like I'm tired when my brain is keeping me awake. I'm not sure why or really what's wrong with me. I've had another busy day with Cristian. I was dealing with him, fighting him and just fighting myself to stay calm.
It couldn't have been the 20 minute cat nap I took in the living room when I passed out on the floor that is fucking me up. I'm not a nap person but that's just ridiculous.
Then what is it?
Since getting back from Vegas I've been thinking about my life over the last five years with Mandy at my side. It hasn't been easy. It hasn't been pleasant. At times it's been freighting and scary. But now I can look back and think about my life.
It's crazy, how did my like get so lucky? Why do I feel like I'm not allowed to enjoy it? Am I allowed? I've been such a jerk to people for so many years, that the ones who have stuck with me, I wonder about their sanity.
The other night I was having a conversation with an old friend, an old girlfriend, and we had a talk about who we are and how we got here. Me and her agreed with one thing, we don't like ourselves.
There I said it. I don't like myself. I don't like my attitude. I don't think I'm a good enough friend. I don't think I'm the nice guy everyone thinks I am. I don't like how I look. I don't like anything.
I've always been so positive about things, about life and about everything. Yet in the happiest time of my life, I can't find happiness in myself.
I'm going to turn 29 in less than two months. Why do I feel like this? It makes no sense to me at all.
Maybe I should try to crash again. Maybe I should get some rest.
Maybe alot of things.
I don't know anymore......
It couldn't have been the 20 minute cat nap I took in the living room when I passed out on the floor that is fucking me up. I'm not a nap person but that's just ridiculous.
Then what is it?
Since getting back from Vegas I've been thinking about my life over the last five years with Mandy at my side. It hasn't been easy. It hasn't been pleasant. At times it's been freighting and scary. But now I can look back and think about my life.
It's crazy, how did my like get so lucky? Why do I feel like I'm not allowed to enjoy it? Am I allowed? I've been such a jerk to people for so many years, that the ones who have stuck with me, I wonder about their sanity.
The other night I was having a conversation with an old friend, an old girlfriend, and we had a talk about who we are and how we got here. Me and her agreed with one thing, we don't like ourselves.
There I said it. I don't like myself. I don't like my attitude. I don't think I'm a good enough friend. I don't think I'm the nice guy everyone thinks I am. I don't like how I look. I don't like anything.
I've always been so positive about things, about life and about everything. Yet in the happiest time of my life, I can't find happiness in myself.
I'm going to turn 29 in less than two months. Why do I feel like this? It makes no sense to me at all.
Maybe I should try to crash again. Maybe I should get some rest.
Maybe alot of things.
I don't know anymore......
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Late Night Ramble Session
It's almost 4am on a Sunday morning, what I am doing up?
Well CJ woke me and Mandy up at 2:30, I got him back to bed about 20 minutes ago but now I'm awake since me and Mandy went to bed kinda early last night. Plus I also had a reason to start laundry mega early. Have ALOT of that to do by 5pm today.
In my old blog I used to randomly jump on at hours like this and ramble, whatever was on my mind. Sometimes it would get me in trouble, but everytime it felt good to get stuff off my chest and out of my system. I realized I hadn't done that in this blog for whatever. Maybe it's the fact that I am usually sleeping, or when I am up I'm working on my other blog. Whatever the reason, this blog has so far gone ramble free.
This morning though I sit here and think about everything going on with me and my life. From being married to a beautiful intelligent lady, whom we have a crazy over-the-top just like his daddy son, to living with an amazing family, to having the best friends a guy could ask for, liking going to work everyday, to the fact that I am never truly bored. At least turn I always seem to have something going on.
The one thing I never do is truly sit back and take it all in. Maybe it's because I rarely have the time to. Maybe it's the fact that somewhere in the back of my head, I'm waiting for it to all fall apart. It's a terrible attitude to have, but when you are so used to failure like I am, that thought it always there. There are moments I really just want to lay and look around at all I've got and realize that I am living a great life.
I don't want to be one of those people that watch their kids grow up and not enjoy every second of it because he's so worried about every little detail. I don't want to be one of those people who doesn't realize how great life truly is until he gets older and looks back and says "I had a great life!" I want to be one of those people who enjoy life NOW not later.
Where am I going with this? I'm not even sure. I just know after typing this, I'm getting tired. Maybe that was the point of writing this, to get tired.
Back to bed I go,
Go Pack Go!
Well CJ woke me and Mandy up at 2:30, I got him back to bed about 20 minutes ago but now I'm awake since me and Mandy went to bed kinda early last night. Plus I also had a reason to start laundry mega early. Have ALOT of that to do by 5pm today.
In my old blog I used to randomly jump on at hours like this and ramble, whatever was on my mind. Sometimes it would get me in trouble, but everytime it felt good to get stuff off my chest and out of my system. I realized I hadn't done that in this blog for whatever. Maybe it's the fact that I am usually sleeping, or when I am up I'm working on my other blog. Whatever the reason, this blog has so far gone ramble free.
This morning though I sit here and think about everything going on with me and my life. From being married to a beautiful intelligent lady, whom we have a crazy over-the-top just like his daddy son, to living with an amazing family, to having the best friends a guy could ask for, liking going to work everyday, to the fact that I am never truly bored. At least turn I always seem to have something going on.
The one thing I never do is truly sit back and take it all in. Maybe it's because I rarely have the time to. Maybe it's the fact that somewhere in the back of my head, I'm waiting for it to all fall apart. It's a terrible attitude to have, but when you are so used to failure like I am, that thought it always there. There are moments I really just want to lay and look around at all I've got and realize that I am living a great life.
I don't want to be one of those people that watch their kids grow up and not enjoy every second of it because he's so worried about every little detail. I don't want to be one of those people who doesn't realize how great life truly is until he gets older and looks back and says "I had a great life!" I want to be one of those people who enjoy life NOW not later.
Where am I going with this? I'm not even sure. I just know after typing this, I'm getting tired. Maybe that was the point of writing this, to get tired.
Back to bed I go,
Go Pack Go!
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
2/2/11:Blizzard Video 6:51am
This is my attempt to open the front screen door, the wind had other ideas.
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