2011 Year End Entry #2: 2012 Goals

This is becoming a tradition of mine at this point. Here are my goals for 2012. (Shorter than usual)

• Mend the fences with my family.
• Get a new job. (Sorry F9ers, I will be leaving when I get the oppurtunity)
• Plan to do something, small or big, every month with the family (in some varation.)
• Take a least one or two day trips somewhere. (Till I leave F9)
• Save money for big vacation in 2013.
• Goto at least two concerts.

2011 Year End Entry #1: 2011 Goals (Review)

Last December I made a list of my goals for 2011. So before I make a list for 2012, let me review how I did for the past 12 months.

• Keep a phone for the whole year.

This isn't fair now. My upgrade happened this year and I got my IPhone. Best purchase ever.

• Reunite or keep better touch with at least five old friends

Was I thinking realisitcly when I wrote this? Five people? I guess I might have pulled this off. I honestly don't know. Real friends never truly go away so I'm not sure to be honest.

• Travel to at least two states

I'm going to cheat a little on this one. Me and Mandy went to Vegas in Feburary and we went with Mike and Claire to Glee in Chicago in June. That counts for me.

• Make five new videos

I can see what I was thinking with this one. In 12 months I should have been able to make five videos. But to be honest, it's not as simple as it seems. There's alot of work that goes into these things. In reality, I got three done all year. I MIGHT hit the five mark if I churn out the videos I want to this week before the ball drops, but with Cristian home, I don't think that's very likely.

• Finally finish my portfolio

This was a massive success. Not only did I FINISH my portfolio, I presented it and finally finished school. This was a major moment for me.

• Be better with money

I'm still pretty bad with money. I really have to work on this.

• Fully organize our and CJ's rooms

Again back to the realisticness of this list. Are our rooms EVER going to be FULLY organized. No. Never. It's just how it is. No matter how hard I try, it never will happen.

• Find more ways to help with my memory issues

I'm gettting better in this area. Having my new phone helps big time.

• Take better care of my health

I did a good job for a while with this. I was down below 300. Then I got depressed with all the stuff from work and yeah stopped caring a little. I'm really disappointed in that.

• Cause less problems with people that I can control

I think I did this. I still screwed up along the way but not NEARLY as bad as I have in the past.

Sears Portrait Professional Photos

Attitude Adjustment

I have to admit I hate change. Any kind of change throws me of. Over the last month that's all I've been dealing with. Just when things were finally going amazing well, then came the furlough.

Most people know what's going on, so I won't go into that, but we went from 101 people on a full time alone,to 98 people total in Janurary (F & P). With all that going on, I had to make a decision. Either leave, go nights, or go part time days. Leaving was a huge possiblity but honestly that wasn't going to happen. So the decision was made, mainly because I wanted to make sure that I had time with CJ, going part time days would be the best decision. With that, I took a part time line, now I filed for partial unemployment. So things are good right?

Well yes and no. With that decision, and other decisions made by other people, alot of the co workers that I'm close with either leave via the furlough, servence, retired or are working a shift where I'm never going to see them. So with all that I got into a massive depressive state. That depressive state hit hard after the furlough party at Landmark last Saturday and culminated in the "you rock" on Saturday. To be honest for a second, it's taking me alot longer than I expected to adjust to my new early morning schedule. (even though I do LOVE being home on the weekends completely)

With all things considered I should be happy and in a good mood. More free time, able to get stuff done. Life should be good. Then why am I so out of it?

Why am I eating so much and actually gaining the weight back that I spent all summer burning off?

Why is everything getting to me? Every little thing everyone does is bothering me.

Things don't make any sense to me.

I need to take this long weekend (I'm still working tomorrow and Friday morning, but overall I get four days with the family) and enjoy the nice weather and get my head on straight. There is no need for me to explode for no reason. There is no reason for me to act the way I'm acting.

I need get back in the gym on Tuesday morning. No more excuses.

I need to just relax. Be productive but also realx. Enjoy this turn of events instead of dwelling on everything bad that has happened over the last month.

*deep breath*

Special Midwest/Frontier Video Tribute

Changes on the Ship

I'll be honest it's been a while since I updated this thing. There HAS been alot to talk about. Problem as always is lack of time. When I can't blog at work anymore and we're always so busy at home, updating has been put on the backburner, for obvious reasons. That being said, with my part time work schedule and more free time, I will try my best to actually keep up with this thing.

It's the beginning of a weird week at work. I'm not going to go down the sentimental route, at least not in this entry. I'll save that for another time. But it's funny, people wonder why alot of us are taking this so hard. I've heard "at least you still have a job", "it's just a job".

Well back in 2005 when I took this job, with Skyway/Midwest at the time, I just looked at it as a place for me to work to get through school. That's what it did too.

Since that time, I've gotten married, had a kid, got a associates degree, made some of the best friends in the world and made a home for myself.

Back in 08, just after CJ was born there was a furlough. Due to the fact that CJ was just born I was in my own world. Things didn't really hit me hard, my head wasn't even in work mode for most of that time. It was almost like filler time between time with my family.

Now in 2011, it's different. This is a drastic change. People are leaving, almost like jumping off a sinking ship, retiring, moving to nights. All the people who I got close with, I won't see nearly as much as I'm used to. It's been rough.

In all honesty though, I'm looking forward to my personal change.

After much thought, back and forth, I decided to stay on the ship, go part time, stay on days and hope for the best. I'm looking forward to being a shorter schedule going into the winter months. Being able to have the rest of the day to goto the gym, keep up with the cleaning around the house and actually having the weekends to spend with my family.

The truth is, I was seriously thinking of jumping ship. But right now I still love going to work. I still like what I do. Do I have less to do then ever before? Yes. Are things ever going to be the same as they were even a year ago? No. But with every negative comes a positive, and that's how I have to look at it.

A Cure to Imperfection and Self-Destruction

Every so often I sit back and look at my life. The thing with doing that is that on the outside things look so perfect. Facades are great for show, they are also good for hiding.

After almost six years of marriage, I've come to a couple of conclusions:

• It's never as easy as you think.
• Some people don't understand that Mandy comes first, even after they get married themselves.
• I have no idea why I can't just be happy.

The last one is the killer. You would think after an almost six year marriage/seven year relationship, and all the ups and downs we've been through, I would be happy where I am.

Yet for some reason, I always seem to fall apart at the seems. Just when things get great, it seems to always fall apart.

For years I've written in this blog and others like I could do wrong. I don't make mistakes. I don't screw up. Everything that happens is never my fault. It's always explained by sarcasm or blaming others.

As I look back those excuses were find for what they were there for. But at the same time they were the tape I was using to piece everything together. The issue with tape is that it comes loose over times and then just falls off leaving the same hole that was there to begin with, except overtime it actually gets bigger under the tape. Eventually, as I've learned over time, you run out of tape. It ends up becoming useless and just doesn't stick anymore. That's where I stand right now, with an empty tape dispenser, trying to patch up a hole that I should have patched up two years ago.

It's funny because I hide my own internal issues and almost preach to people who ask me for advice. I do this because I don't want to sit and dig deep into myself and figure out what's wrong with me.

The term I'd best describe it would be "self-destruction". It's like no matter what happens, I have a little button in my pocket that makes it all blow up. Whether it be my marriage, my friends or my family. It's like I can't live with a constant flow of happiness.

At times I think it's a lingering effect from the "Crew Era" where constant drama ruled and for me, and most of us, there were more meaningless battles than anything else. I was always in the center of it all. I was the unofficial leader and always seemed to be someone who enjoyed the fire even though I complained about it. That's fine when I was a teenager or in my early 20s but that was close to ten years ago.

After watching alot of Scrubs (my early morning obsession lately), I would like to call this issue "Dr. Cox syndrome". I can never seem to accept being happy. Never can face that facts that the life I think needs changing is the life worth living.

So this morning I am officially throwing out the proverbial empty tape dispenser and picking up a glue gun. This isn't Elmer's glue I am referring to either. This is strong super glue. The kind that you find in hardware stores that says to keep away from your skin when using because it won't come off. The kid that instantly take hold. The hardest kind to find and use.

Time to take down this silly facade. Time to make the world, or at least the people who care enough to spend time reading this, see the man behind the curtain. The man behind the smiles and the constant positive outlooks on life.

"I'm not a perfect person. There are many things I wish I didn't do."-Hoobastank

I have made alot of mistakes over my life. But the facts are there, I can't change what I have done or said to people. I can't fully even fully mend my wife's heart without realizing the consequences of my actions. While I can't change my past and I can't fix all the pain I've caused my loved ones, especially Mandy. I can't give her back the self confidence that she lost with every girl I've talked to and everything she's seen. But I can spend the rest of my life building her back up and swear to not be the one to knock her back down. I can't change people's immediate perception of me, but I can take a chance and change my perception of myself inside me and hope it sticks.

It's about time I stop regressing to bad habits. Stop saying one thing and doing another.

I also have to stop living on my reputation. It's like in wrestling, you can't live on your past, you have to evolve your character with time. It's the same thing in real life. I can't rely on the fact that I'm known as "a nice guy" or "a hopeless romantic". I can't hide behind the man I was when that's not the man I am today. I have grown up and I have changed. It's not all black and white anymore, there's tons of grey areas. I need to be the man I am, the good guy with an attitude.

For years I write and talk and it's just that, talk.

Words mean nothing without action; without a sudden change at heart, mindset and feelings.

No one is going to take me serious until I take myself serious.

*taking a deep breath*

Here we go....

It's gonna be a long ride...

And I can't wait.